YouAreHereAtJen's.

We are funny creatures

2008-02-22T12:40:00.000-08:00

So in talking with a friend today about her eating plan in addition to a strange occurrence last night, I've been pondering why we are so weird about food. Said friend made the remark that food is now an obsession and it's something mentioned at 3FC a lot as well. The maintainers will always argue that it may be an "obsession" to some people, but to us it's just a way of life. If taking control of your weight and health is an obsession, so be it.

There are always those stories on 3fc about how people are always remarking on someone's food and this is prevalent when you are overweight or thin. Actually, perhaps people talked about my eating when I was obese, but they say it to my face now. Only now it doesn't bother me. I also have very strong opinions about food and our society in general. I'm surprised I haven't gone vegan sooner, actually. And here is my friend, a person with very different taste buds than me, and we can never agree on what she should eat as part of her plan. But she found something that is working for her and I have to appreciate that.

But we're getting off topic.

I was at a friend's gig last night and had a true realization. A girl whom I hadn't seen since the day we graduated from high school (I was pushing 200 lbs) was there at the bar. I don't recall her being mean or anything (in fact she seemed pretty nice). The crowd she ran with though is another story. They were the stuck up crowd- too good for anyone on the bottom rungs of the high school hierarchy. Therefor she was guilty by association.

So we had a great time catching up and talking about people we went to school with, where we were in life... we exchanged numbers and I would accept the call if she called me.

But every few minutes during our conversation, she made some degrading comment about herself and her weight. She put on weight since high school because she filled out. She grew out of her lanky teenage body (oh how I would have killed for one of those. She's quite lovely, and not overweight. Just a WOMAN.

"GOD I've turned into such a fatass".

"I'm so embarrassed by how much weight I've gained".

"Well, I guess by having a beer I'm giving up dinner. I've got to do SOMETHING".

I don't know what possessed her, if it was insecurity or some fucked up form of flattery, but I'm guessing the former. My mere presence exacerbated her most felt flaw. And in a way, it kind of pissed me off.

I used to HATE my body. I convinced myself to hate it. Others shamed me for it. I was scrutinized for what I ate and constantly judged (ahhhh, high school). I couldn't wear cool clothes and couldn't run a mile. I was never asked to a dance. Serious health problems were overlooked because of it.

I was obese.

And you are speaking in a sad self deprecating manner because you simply filled out?

It just showed me that we all have our hangups. There is no "minimum weight" allowance for being insecure. And I'm getting a little more than tired of this validation process that women continue to put each other through whether we need to commiserate over losing 10 pounds or 200. I sometimes forget that it wasn't being fat that made me disappointed with myself. It was the constant feeling of being a failure and totally helpless because I couldn't get a grip on it.

FINALLY!

2008-02-15T11:06:00.000-08:00

I am finally losing! After going back and forth between total frustration (and mild complacency) and trying to find "the combination", I have FOUND IT.

It's called, "Eat To Live" by Joel Fuhrman.

I was in Houston hanging out with my dad over the weekend and was able to finally sit down and read it. I also had the benefit of being able to pick my dad's brain about food stuff (my dad has a wall in his office devoted to vegetarian cooking, healthy eating, and "food news" (China Study, E2L, etc...).

So after getting in at 7:30 on sunday morning and promptly going to Boulder for the shoot (and the resulting disaster involving white bread and ham, mac & cheese and fried chicken), I made a decision.

Huh. The above sounds a lot like when I had my epiphany 4 years ago. I was laid up on my couch with a shattered ankle, obese, depressed, and FED UP. I ordered chinese and when it was gone I decided that ENOUGH was ENOUGH. And there it was. I changed my life.

So I have another one of these moments... I feel like crap. I've blown the past 2 weeks of faithfully working out and I decided it just wasn't worth it. I want to lose 20 pounds, dammit and I'm not going to do it by cheat days or "fudging" just a little bit during the day.

I know people bemoan the "all or nothing" mentality, but it seriously works for me. I can't just have one donut or I'll eat the whole box.

So E2L gives me a plan. It removes a LOT, which I've found isn't much in the scheme of the foods I truly love and know give me the best nourishment.

It's vegan.

So all week I've been eating a mix of veggies (LOTS of veggies), fruit (LOTS of fruit-yay!) and legumes and soy (tofu, soymilk, edamame, etc...). I'm sated and feel nothing short of amazing.

I weighed in at 147.7 last Thursday.

This morning I am at 143.

It's curing what ails me.

Wednesday

2008-02-06T14:15:00.000-08:00

This week has been ok. I had an "incident" involving some bagels on Monday, but we've moved on.

I was occupied all day Saturday coordinating a film shoot... I was literally running up and down inclined hallways all day. My legs are STILL sore from it. Not to mention that was where all the bagels came from... I have gotten into the habit of grabbing a scone/mini muffin/mini brownie/granola bar/bagel, blah blah blah, taking a small bite and tossing it in th trash on my way out.... because, you know, ONE little bite won't hurt me. Well, so many little bites will.

Last night was the first night I could get to the gym this week. When the weather gets bad, my commutes last around 3 hours and there has been no shortage of that. I did get to swim last night- 30 on the elliptical (so happy to have you back in my life Mr. Elliptical machine!) and 25 minutes of laps. My body is adjusting to it's new workload... Last week I would be sitting at my desk and my arms would suddenly get so incredibly tired.

Also, no minor feat, it is 3:30 and I have not so much as touched the following, even though it towers over me like some refined carbohydrate inferno...

-bagels
-granola bars
-chips

As long as I can get over this 3 o'clock slump, I think I am in pretty good shape!

About time

2008-02-01T10:37:00.000-08:00

Did another round of swimming and elliptical last night... I slept all the way home on the bus from Boulder and had to keep working when I got home (big shoot this weekend). There is no reason why I should have had the energy to make it to the gym at 8:30, but I did. Typically, when you get home you stay home, but I'm finding that having a gym close to home (and that's a wonderful place to go) bodes pretty well. I can come home, make some dinner, watch some tv and still make it to the gym and back at a decent hour. And I'm also really enjoying swimming. My body is tied (especially my arms), but I have an increased sense of wellness and "ohm", if you will. Also, the awful TOM/new workout routine bloat is GONE and though I'm probably not, I feel 10 pounds lighter. We'll find out when I weigh in tomorrow morning.

My remaining issue continues to be this snacking business. I have (at least this week) been relying on easy to grab lunch stuff (tuna kits, soup, avocado, etc...) and not putting a lot of effort into what I normally eat (mainly veggies). This has left a sort of void in my menus, which is where grabbing a granola bar or (EEK!) a 100 calorie snack pack of chex.

So, next week is a new week. I will plan to plan!

Soooooo tired. Good tired.

2008-01-30T10:32:00.000-08:00

UGH. It's ironic that I responded to Jaime's post confronting this very issue saying, "don't worry, it's temporary and completely ok" and here I am, FREAKING OUT because the scale shows a 4 pound GAIN since I started this workout regiment. I know better. The thing is though, that maybe I need to more carefully scrutinize what I eat. I have a tendency to "sneak" stuff throughout the day- half a granola bar here, a 100 calorie pack there. It's not gut busting stuff and I pack plenty of healthy stuff, but it adds up. Also, I have had some ridiculously ravenous days where my stomach HURTS I'm so hungry.

When I do that, I can gauge how much trouble I will be in scale-wise, but I've thrown a new variable into the mix...Changing my so-so, barely acceptable workout schedule to my consistent, fail proof routine has seriously rocked my world. And my pants don't even fit better! I just feel BEEFY!

But my plan is in place. I will give it a couple of weeks, see how it goes. I do have to say, I got some resistance bands for Christmas from Ross (Shout out to Ross!) and my arms have NEVER looked better.

Yesterday was not bad eating and workout wise. I walked all over catching buses and traipsing across campus, and then did 30 minutes on the elliptical and swam laps for 25. My body is tired and it's a GOOD tired. It's been too long.

Moving along....

2008-01-25T10:04:00.000-08:00

Night 2 at the gym last night. Even though I go to R's gym in Golden on the weekends, do tae bo at home and run when the weather cooperates, it's a totally different story when I have my own gym, close to home. I feel committed to the cause, so to speak.

Crazy busy today prepping for our vip party on Monday, but I have packed protein and will be out and about, so hopefully NO SNACKING! I have my tea, my carrots, my tuna, and I'm ready to spend an exciting Friday night at the gym.

The Turning Point

2008-01-24T07:51:00.000-08:00

We joined a gym last night AND we worked out! It had been such a nightmare trying to work out. It's been cold cold cold, we have to get home to the dog, not to mention that Ross is technically the only one of us with an actual membership, which is in a completely different town.

So, we joined the Y, close to home. We got home last night, watched some bad TV, ate dinner, did some wedding stuff, walked the dog and then went to the gym. It's nice to be able to not have working out consume what little of your day you have to yourself (not that I mind working out, but when most of your evening is spent getting ready and driving to the gym...)

I feel better already.

Not consistently working out definitely affects me and not in a good way. I feel sluggish, I don't eat as well, and I always feel a little "sickly".

But today is the turning point. When I met Ross, we were both gym rats and I would go so far to say that we "dated" at the gym. It sounds pathetic, but we looked pretty damn good.

Please do not put chocolate/bagels/chips/cookies/doughnuts directly in front of the former fat girl.

2008-01-09T09:37:00.000-08:00

Sounds easy enough, right? RIGHT?

I work with 7 people in a building big enough to employ 40 or more (it's a production studio) and I have the biggest desk and I'm the person people see first. It's actually this really nice big cherry wood desk/counter that is modeled after the entrance to a movie theater. It actually is the entrance to our high def screening room. Pretty cool. Please note that I'm avoiding the term "reception" because I'm not. I have been and once you are coined "receptionist", people tend to treat you as such (which totally SUCKS from my experience, but story for another time). I do all sorts of fun stuff, mostly related to production and music supervision. And I do make coffee, but only because I'm the newest (and I guess lowest) on the totem pole, but I get an intern in a few days, so, go me.

ANYWAY. I also work with men. Well, except for the accountant, but she's like a guy anyways (which is awesome). And you know, as unfortunate as it is, guys can get away with grazing upon the goodies that arrive here regularly, but I can't. I get that I have to take some personal responsibility here, but it sucks to literally, have it piled up in front of me.

Today was good , though ;)

We ordered a steadycam from Switzerland and they included a big box of Swiss chocolate squares (like, real Swiss chocolate). I had myself an orange chocolate square and it's amazing what some quality chocolate will do to a chocolate craving. I had one square, and no desire to dive into the pile in front of me. It's that satisfying. YUM.

So, aside from the chocolate, I have been on plan today. Ross is out of town for work, so hopefully I will be motivated to actually go TO the gym. Yesterday I managed a 45 minute tae bo/cardio session mixed with working with the resistance bands Ross got me for Christmas. We ate at Whole Foods and I did really well there, too. A cup of lemon/chx/spinach soup (minus the chicken) and a salad with balsamic and tofu and sprouts.

Today it's:
green smoothie (OJ, selter, blueberries, psyllium, spinach)
carrots (raw)
tomato, chive and ff cottage cheese
all natural crunchy peanut butter (2 tsp) w/ small honeycrisp apple

dinner: mushroom/spinach salad and thai noodle soup?

Tuesday

2008-01-08T07:45:00.000-08:00

Could not sleep last night, not to mention I could not work out as planned. Snow + BCS game = no one going anywhere.... However, I do get off early today as I have to run a car out to the airport, so hopefully after a nap I will be good to go. It snowed last night, but it's pretty much dry now, so I may try to make that an outdoor run vs. a gym. I do need to get info on the bikini boot camp that they offer, though. I weighed in a day early... 146. I don't know if that's still water weight as it usually takes a whole week to get back to normal, but I SHOULD know because I SHOULD be weighing consistently. This is what happens to me when I don't. Yeah, that scale doesn't matter, the scale doesn't gauge this that or the other, but numbers are numbers and when I have no accountability on the scale, everything goes straight to hell. Period.

So....Scared.

2008-01-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm TERRIFIED to get on the scale. Absolutely. Terrified. It's not like when you take a test and you think you did poorly, but you actually aced it, or the other way around. If I think I've gained weight, I have. No doubt about it. So instead of continuing down the buffet line, I've set a date. Wednesday is weigh-in day. I got back on plan last week and got in some exercise, but blew the eating over the weekend. I have GOT to get a handle on that. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but TOM came to town and I was nothing short of ravenous.

So, hopefully we'll kill off some of that water weight and my appetite will come down and this week will be nice and clean.

We thought about joining a gym closer to where we live downtown and the Colorado Athletic Club was an obvious choice. (it SUCKS getting to the gym as we live downtown and Ross works in Golden and me in Boulder and I go to his in Golden.) Not to mention getting home at a reasonable hour is necessary now that we have the dog.

We were invited to try it for 5 visits and we learned that $150 essentially pays for the really nice locker room and the privilege of working out on an elliptical that hasn't been wiped down in forever because why on earth should the important corporate crowd have to clean up after themselves?

But damn, those locker rooms are sweet.

So now we are resigned to running when weather permits (better for the dog, too) and working out on the weekends at the gym. I also got some resistance bands for Christmas and OnDemand is still offering Billy Blanks, so that will have to work.

My problem, and perhaps others as well, is that I really have to motivate myself and focus to make a home workout beneficial and to get a good, long, sweat. I had the great advantage of working where I had a nice fitness center when I lost weight, and now I have to get creative. Not to mention I don't want to completely piss off out downstairs neighbor and I HATE working out at home.

What the hell???

2007-12-04T16:49:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I have been back on plan. I've been getting back to a regular workout routine (including running- YAY!). But I'm STUCK at 142. What. The. Hell.

I feel like this maintenance business is some fragile balancing act that will shatter at my feet with the soft touch of a bagel. There must be some component in there I'm not realizing.

i've also decided that, dammit, I'm going to be what I like to call "firm skinny" for my wedding. It takes a lot of work and a lot of strength, but I've gotten by with this superficial and unnecessary layer of flab that weighs about 10-15 pounds. I am content in my normal, every day life between 135 and 140, but there is nothing "everyday" about one's wedding. And this dress will sprout back fat faster than you can say yes to a second helping.

So in accomplishing firm skinny, I'm going to take this verrrrrrrry slow. I seriously woke up one morning and had lost 30 pounds. My body just decided one day that it had had enough. I was able, with complete focus and commitment, to put my life on a relative hold and work my ass off for the remaining 50+ pounds. And because I was so good at it, it didn't take me more than 5 months. I didn't hit major plateaus. I didn't have a bad weekend. Nothing.

This time I'm going to go a different route. I will pace myself through these holidays because routine and consistancy (especially with exercise) is the keeper of my sanity. And I've learned these past few months just how important exercise is. So, sticking to the plan it is. No freaking out over a beer. No excuses for not working out.

I had my first experience at PF Changs over the weekend. It's common knowledge that the Buddha's Feast is the healthy choice on the menu, so I orderd it. I learned that this is compeltely pointless because by default you are required by law to try everything else.
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Funny story today: I was at the lightrail stop downtown today waiting for my train. it's a busy intersection and great for people watching. This man of a "special" disposition if you know what I mean walks by me. Suddenly, he stops, bends over, picks up a Cheeto off the ground and EATS IT.

the kicker: he was holding in his hand an unopened bag of Cheetos.

Again, I ask, what the hell.

day 3

2007-11-13T11:18:00.001-08:00

Billy Blanks is officially the King Of Pain. It has been a while since I've had a workout that has worked muscle groups I didn't even know existed. Everything has been good- I'm eating well and working out and the fog I've been in is lifting. Haven't lost a damn pound, but it has only been a week. Poo.

Monday Morning

2007-11-12T06:53:00.000-08:00

Goo morning!

I need to remember what this feels like- that wonderful feeling of "awakeness" you get when you work out first thing in the morning. What a way to start the day!

I crawled out of bed with the intention of running, but took a look at the dreary weather and decided against it. I started scrolling through the Exercise section of OnDemand and decided on Billy Blanks. So 3 15 minute sections- that should do it. Lauren always raves about him, so why not?

I don't know what it was, maybe it was the fact that a very large black man coming through the television in a boming voice telling you to "SHAKE IT TILL YA MAKE IT"- but I was sweating. A lot.

On to the rest of the day...

Time to repent.

2007-11-09T07:39:00.000-08:00

In honor of a thread on 3FC "Where do you see yourself January 1, 2008?" I've decided that ignoring the ever increasing snugness of my jeans and the fact that I walk around much of the time in a zombie-like daze is leading to potential disaster for the new year. I've been doing this maintenance thing for over 3 years now, which means I'm over the halfway point to that mystical mark for weight loss maintainers of 5 years. I told myself if I could make it to five years perhaps my self imposed stigma of fat girl would be removed. Perhaps all those years of being overweight/obese would fade into a distant memory.

That remains to be seen, of course, and I realize it's somewhat dillusional thinking, but in the meantime, I've set up a somewhat new challenge for myself:

Get throught he holidays while not just maintaining, but dropping back down to a comfortable level.

In Nashville, what could have been a maintenance nightmare actually turned out to be perhaps the most healthy 2 months of my life. My super granola roommates and my uber health conscious friend Molly provided a house stocked with locally gorwn produce and an all-organic pantry as well as a workout buddy. I ran more than I ever have in my life. I had a southern tan (and a slight drawl to match).

While my circumstances are different: it's winter, I HATE running in the smoggy, high altitude city, and I am living with a guy who sometimes coerces me into mac n' cheese with turkey franks (something my hippy roommates would gasp at, God love them), I can certainly pull this off.

Eating: eating lately has been relatively good given the circumstances (lots of company). Being back in an office setting hasn't spelled doom (except the bagel dabacle) and my water and plain tea intake has been great.

Exercise: this is my problem. All summer my metabolism was pretty maxed out and now that I can't make it to the gym very often, I don't think I've adjusted my eating accordingly... ok, I KNOW I haven't.

So here it is.

I have got to get the gym. Even if it's only the school gym on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the one on Golden on Saturdays. My brisk 30 minutes walks at lunch at work will suffice as will some jaunts with the dog.

Weekend eating. With the holidays approaching, going nuts on the weekends isn't going to work. It's time to chill out. And ease up on the liquor, too.

All in all, it's pretty simple and straight foward. Plan accordingly and get my ass moving (the big one). Today I have packed my food so by the time I make it to class from work I won't be ravenous. After school I have a trip to the gym and a long walk with the dog. Tonight: get enough sleep!!!!!

biiiiiiig sigh....

2007-09-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

So it's a new semester and as late nights become more frequent, I will be posting more. I miss it. It's good and cathartic and takes the edge off things...

The cause for this late night is grading freshman Music Business exams. People, people, people. It doesn't help that the professor is dyslexic and in a constant state of worry over writing an entire exam backwards, upside down letters and all.

It's good for me. This is basic stuff I'm prone to forget and will always need to know. It's these budding tour managers/rock stars/entertainment lawyers/publishers that keeps me up at night. Yes, my dear freshman, you picked a somewhat glamorous major, but 99% of you are fooling yourselves into thinking that becoming the next big thing requires that you only sit around in Denver, CO and wait... As I've learned (and, I'm sorry to say, Dr. Phil says), you can't hit the ball unless you swing the bat. Also, while copyright basics aren't exciting (I beg to differ), you should learn them- or become very afraid of the RIAA.

AND PLEASE LEARN BASIC SENTENCE STRUCTURE AND GRAMMAR. This isn't an email to your friend at CSU, it's like, colllllllege.

Anyway, it's been kind of a bad day. My only moment of light was the fact that I made it to the gym- a small, but important victory. My carb cutting is going well. Weekends are a major struggle as Fall kicks into gear and the football season comes into play. Also, when Ross and I get the "blahs" together, it's all that more likely that we'll go down in a blaze of peanut butter M&M's. However, ever since we got our dog I've had no excuse to not get outside. And there is a gym right on campus, so I don't have a choice there.

We are in love. Our dog is a ball of affection and energy and as long as we obey his need to exercise, he obeys my need to not have him chew on my running shoes. He is a blue heeler/cattle dog named Dax and people can't help but comment on how striking he is. He's one of those "cool" dogs that should have a bandana, but instead has a Nebraska Cornhusker collar.

Anyway, I'm going to start commuting up to Boulder a couple days a week to work at a film studio. It's only temporary, but with a wedding looming I'm looking foward to the extra cash. I just worry that it's going to be another calorie bomb office like the grammys were.

Oh, how I miss Nashville. It was nice to run away for a couple of months and try on a different (and certainly more glamorous!) life, but I am glad to be home. And we've been in engagement bliss ever since. It certainly opened my eyes to Denver's shortcomings and there is so much to consider over the next few months...

So. Things to get a handle on:
-Weekend eating (it's ok to relax, but for God's sake woman, don't go crazy!)
-Get back into running. The elliptical has become quite the crutch, as is making a leash-perfect dog.
-I'm sure there's more, but those are the biggies...

From the desk of the future Mrs. Johnson...

2007-07-28T20:01:00.001-07:00

We're engaged! Ross proposed on Monday night and it couldn't have been more perfect.

We were staying in Glenwood for the night as he had a job about 2 hours away (5 hours from home), so we stayed at the Hotel Denver for the night. Well, he didn't get back to the hotel until about 1130 pm so I was hanging out with Shanti on the shore of the Colorado drinking beer and just enjoying the mini-break.

As the night wore on, I considered walking over to the Hotel Colorado to kill some time. The Hotel Colorado is this BEAUTIFUL hotel in the middle of Glenwood Springs. It's big and luxurious and victorian and it's where I had all of my proms and homecomings and my mom used to take me there when I was little for shirley temples.

It's also where I always dreamed of getting married and Ross knows that this little detail is just part of the package.

So anyway, I thought about walking over there because it was a beautiful night and the courtyard is just gorgeous, but decided to just wait for Ross. I'm glad I waited.

Ross got back and "agreed" to walk over there with me, even though it was so late.

So we walk over the bridge and up the steps to the courtyard and I see this little table set up that's covered with white votives and 2 vases of white roses. Like an idiot, I say, "Look! It looks left over from a wedding!" to which Ross just said, "no" and led me over to the table where he proposed!!! i can't believe he actually pulled it off! It was just after midnight and we were the only ones around (except for the event coordinator who helped him plan it).

I couldn't dream it up if I tried.

Back in the saddle again

2007-07-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am no longer a Grammy intern and I'm blue.

I arrived home last Sunday, a week ahead of schedule. I had completed my hours and my projects were wrapped up and even though I had a phenomenal time in Nashville, I could no longer financially justify staying there.

So, the summer in a nutshell:
- both inernships were a stunning success. Arrived home with fabulous recommendations and job offers upon graduation.
-completed some interesting projects, stuff I never ever imagined doing.
-didn't meet a lot of famous people, but met a lot of very powerful people.
-made some incredible friends. The girls of Nashville are simply the best.
-my roommates: an overall nice lesbian couple who failed to tell just how environmentally strict they were, leaving me to develop a very close relationship with every fruitfly in Tennessee. Is that BO I smell? But yes, a lovely couple who live completely on the fringe and who taught me a thing or two about saving the planet.
- I ran. A LOT. Between the running and the wonderful food my roomates lavished on me, I arrived home with a body that's the strongest it has been in my entire life. Gained 4 pounds, but went down a size.
-You should see my tan. It's a sight.

So now I'm in this limbo time where I'm not in school just yet and my internship is over and I'm just incredibly bored. I can't run because A) after living in a quiet, quaint, hilly neighborhood, coming home to a depressingly urban setting makes running damn near terrifying B) I got too comfy running at sea level and C) It's damn hot. Damn hot. Also, I got pretty used to having a core group of girlfriends available at every turn and being back with Ross is wonderful, but we all need our girls, you know?

Speaking of which, Ross and I are better than ever. 10 weeks away from home having the time of my life could have destroyed our relationship, but he was on my mind constantly. It was hard not to have him around and I wasn't sure I could do it, but I'm glad I did. I think Ross is too, if only because he thinks I will make a ton of money someday ;)

I didn't blog at all over the summer because I had to keep a daily blog for my internship and it would've been a lot to juggle.

Things are getting back to normal, though. I'm walking a lot and have dropped a few pounds even since I've been home (save for this past weekend) and am cutting my carbs a bit to try something new.

I need a vacation from my vacation

2007-06-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Blech. For a week straight between Nashville and Chicago and Ross and my family, it seemed as though one meal flowed right into the next. It was all delicious and the wine was even more delicious, but here's some perspective on how much I really consumed... I bought this fabulous pair of black slacks for the GRAMMY board meeting and they were quite loose in the store. Fast foward to the meeting and they were TIGHT. And it wasn't like I was eating crap food all day everday, but I don't eat 3 regular meals a day. I kinda just graze and have one regular meal and the rest are snacks. This was 3 real (and delicious) meals a day at restauraunts. And I got one run in, thanks to the lack of cooperation from mother nature.

And then the Office Gods stuck me down my firstday back. It always seems that when I get back from wandering off plan, it always gets delayed a day or two for some reason. I showed up at work and of course we had a fabulous catered breakfast with all the trimmings: eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits and gravy and hasbrowns and fruit. I did a good job of just not going near it (I had already had my breakfast smoothie) and staying busy until someone nominated me to wrap it all up at the end. It was hard, but I set aside a plate of fruit and a little scrambled egg.

But then it was someone's birthday. And they brought in cake.

Yeah, I had a piece.

And then there was a movie with popcorn.

I know, it's really not bad, but it was still kinda disheartening because I so wanted everything to be back to normal. I just wanted to eat my food prepared in my kitchen.

But yesterday was good and today is going well and so it is- back to normal. I haven't been running and haven't even tried to convince myself to do so. I was overtraining and my body was definitely trying to tell me to slow it down so I will be taking it easy for a bit.
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Chicago was good. My over-zealous uncle was on his best behavior and we all got along very well. It's funny how much easier time I have with people when things are going my way- fabulous boyfriend, great body, glamorous internship... I'm sure that has just as much to do with my approach to the world as the world's perception of me. It was a good time, nonetheless.

I came home to an empty house- my crazy roommates are at this Quaker commune thing for the week and Ross flew out on Wednesday morning.... I have that awful lonely feeling I had when I first got here. I had gotten used to being with my own and Ross being in town just spoiled me so I miss him all over again.

Crazytown

2007-05-14T08:42:00.000-07:00

Nashville is my kind of place. The people here are phenomenal. There exists such a thing as manners. I am having a blast. I have a desk, a big window that overlooks a recording studio and an endless supply of Diet Coke, water, and hot coffee. So far, so good. Ross may have to come out here to physically drag my ass back to Colorado (if I can't talk him into staying!)
I have lost 4 pounds since my arrival. I have been running everyday and have been eating nothing but good things, thanks in part to my super granola roommates and have detoxed from my increasingly serious sugar addiction ;)

My friend Molly lives here and is a natural athlete. After the near death experience of running with her, she mentioned how she ran "a little cross-country in college". Thanks, girl....We are going to take some tennis lessons together. I just can't get over how pretty it is here and I just want to be outside at all times. People roll their eyes when I comment on how lovely I find it here and say, "Yeah right, miss Colorado", but it's certainly not comparable beauty. I certainly didn't imagine settling in as well as this...

The job is fabulous. The GRAMMY Nashville Chapter is run by these 6 southern women.... If you've very watched"Designing Women", it's a lot like Sugarbakers. We had our first event on Tuesday and I met some personal heroes of mine as well as an American Idol....watching what happens to those kids is nothing short of tragic and I have a new disdain for everything AI.

DAMMIT

2007-04-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you what. In all of this chaos that's going on right now, I never imagined THIS would be my problem.

Prior to going to Nashville, I sent out a few resumes. One was to my very first choice, a very prestigious music publisher. I didn't hear back.

Until today.

The ink is still drying on my Grammy paperwork when an email shows up in my inbox from the president of the company wanting to discuss me working for them.

Isn't that a son of a bitch?

Ross says he has no sympathy whatsoever and my ego is officially too big to fit through the door. I'm more upset because I wanted so desperately to see how an operation like that functioned. Don't get me wrong, the more I learned about the recording academy the more I wanted to work for them, but still...

***********************************

I am up a good 7 pounds. They switched my birth control and I swear it came on in now more than 10 minutes. Literally, I woke up the next morning up 4 pounds. I haven't been working out too much (rehabing the knee still) so my appetite has been quite paltry. I then went on a water drinking mission to try to flush it out and now THAT water is sitting there, alas, up 7 pounds. I just don't know what to do about it. This is NOT the condition I wanted to leave for Nashville in.

I did however, get to meet the govenor of Colorado at CU's Research Symposium which featured the label I work for. He's a grabby fellow. Just kidding, he was very nice and a very warm person. It's nice to meet someone you actually voted for.

CONFESSION

2007-04-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

I just had myself a little stress binge. It wasn't awful, but enough to keep me up with a really upset tummy. It was a big bowl of airpopped popcorn and a big cup of coffee to make me alert at this late hour to complete a test I had no business taking in the first place. I made the popcorn as "study food", something to keep me going- to nibble on as I tackled the project. This did not happen. I just sat there and ate the popcorn and nothing stared at my computer screen because I seriously did not know where to start. I don't think it's that I ate the bowl of popcorn so late at night, but the manner in which I ate it. And reading it, it doesn't sound bad at all. In fact, if my stomach didn't hurt so damn much right now I probably wouldn't have given it a second thought. I'm grateful that I have finally after a lifetime of misgivings learned my body's cues- hell, that my body even HAS cues is a miracle to me.

BAD NEWS, Jen.

I think this will be a little easier to move on from, though, because today is Garbage Disposal Monday- that glorious Monday before TOM when I want to eat (and sometimes do) eat everything in sight. I have been doing really well with it, mostly because I'm in school for 6 hours, but I have a 2 hour break and I have NOT YET GONE TO THE CAMPUS FOOD COURT and have managed to look foward to the yummy munchies I pack in my pink lunchbox that Ross got me for Christmas that I love so much. Today it was:

6 small-medium strawberries
string cheese
sliced avocado with lemon, salt, and pepper (one of my favorite foods since early childhood)
carrot/celery sticks

I went for an amazing trail run/hike yeserday. I went off by myself while Ross went out to Green Mountain with his new mountain bike back up towards Red Rocks on a trail I always pass, but have never stopped at. I did about an hour and a half there and then drove to Green mountain and did another 4o minutes there while Ross made one last loop. I hadn't done that mountain (and don't think mountain in standard terms, it's a foothill) since I was 12 and I am not pleased with the motocross track they put in right next to it. The first hike I did was not like last week's. It was uneven, rocky, and hilly (not straight incline, but staggered). There were quite a few mountain bikers that I passed. Why go all the way out there only to have to carry your bike over a bunch of rocks??? I mean, they probably mentioned that in the guidebook you looked in. My only complaint is the deer leg that had obviously been chewed off by some cute little harmless mountain lion and was left hanging on a tree by someone with a really bad sense of humor.

After that, my legs are cooked. Hopefully, if I can get some decent sleep I can head back out again tomorrow. I just want to eat this place up with my sneakers before I leave. I didn't realize, though, that I will in close poximity to the Appalachain Trail, something I've dreamed about since high school (I'm a Copland junky).

Have faith. Have faith. HAVE FAITH. That's what Dolly would say.

2007-03-29T22:44:00.000-07:00

I love Dolly Parton. Such a gem.

I am NOT sleeping well. This is pretty typical when I can't alleviate stress in the best way I know how: by working out. I did, however, dance around my living room for 40 minutes today to Notorious B.I.G, Pat Benetar, and Madonna. Does that count? What if I wasn't wearing a sports bra (or any bra for that matter)? Does it still count?

All in all, it has been a fantastic day. I recieved an email from the Recording Academy (I'm no longer allowed to call it the Grammys). My new boss asked me if I wanted to be their 2007 summer intern. They asked me when I was out there, but it's always nice to have it in writing. What floored me and made me pee my pants a little was the realization that there is in fact, only 1 intern. I'm sure the work is back breaking and plenty of people will be plenty mean to me, but my chest is pretty big right now (and my chest is SO not big normally. Really, I have no boobs). Things are coming together: letters are being written on my behalf ("no, she's not an axe murderer", "yes, she will recieve credit").... I had to meet with the dean of my college to BEG him to let me go. Last year I had a series of events transpire that caused me to lose all focus on my education. When I should have withdrawn I didn't and now there is this giant balck mark on my transcript. I was told yesterday that I do qualify for a transcript adjustment, but my GPA is still in the hole from it. Because of that, I do not meet the requirement for an internship for the university.

But I went anyway. I knew damn well that he could've said "no way", but it's hard to say no to the Recording Academy and I could demonstrate that without that semester, my GPA is great.

Ok. Here's my PSA: There are seemingly insurmountable obstacles in life. Some of them are even your own doing (see above), but you won't conquer a thing if you don't suck it up, take a chance, and BELIEVE. It's hard sometimes. Sometimes you just have to act first and hope the results fall into place.

LEAP, AND THE NET WILL APPEAR (right, Erin?)

Of course, I don't always buy this and it's much easier to believe in situations like this, but give it a shot sometime.

Now dammit, if it would just stop snowing I could go for a run (or at least a walk) and get a decent night's sleep.

Rambling.

2007-03-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

So Ross and I went hiking this morning. It was still a bit wet in some spots because it's Spring (!), but it was warm and dry and all of those things I love about Colorado. I set my watch for 40 minutes up (Ross decided to run, I decided he had lost his mind) and began at a brisk, but steady pace to the top. I didn't make it all the way to the top because I forgot water (totally outsider move, but we had originally planned on going to Red Rocks but it seems the whole of the other 49 states were there). It seemed the small panic in the back of my mind only contributed to my thurst. I ran all the way down. I'm usually too cautious to do it, but something came loose inside today and I just went for it. You run at this really fast pace where it takes little effort from your lungs. You muscles and their memory and balance do all the work and it's like running on a different planet. On my up I was focusing so closely on the trail that I didn't see the herd of 10 or so deer right in front of me. They are super fat this year. Usually they look really thin to me, but the zoning failures of Denver seems to be working in their favor.

On a break, I stopped at this point of overlook where you can see well into the Rockies as well as all of Denver. I literally rolled my eyes and said, "Well, shit". I am really going to miss this place. Only people from other states and the few kids I know that live and breath skiing actually ski. Most people don't realize this. I'm very much a summer Coloradan. The sun, the hiking, the running, the mountains, the river... I much prefer it when it's warm. I liked Nashville just fine... I dunno, maybe it's the humidity.

I'm so happy to be home. I love Frontier Airlines. I have made it a rule to only go to places where Forntier or Jet Blue fly. I don't seem to be very limited on this. They let me hop on an early flight home (I mean, I got the job on the first interview, so I was just wasting money). So after getting in wayyyy early (7 am), the rain and cold kept us inside, a blessing as I needed the rest. I'm also glad to be eating my own food again. It's crazy, someone on 3FC made a thread about that very thing (funny what happens when you put something out there in the world, it actually shows up sometimes). Aside from the ridiuclously inappropriate amount of Jack Daniels the first 2 nights, I was pretty good. But aside from the salads and fresh fruit, it just wasn't the same. I think it's because I had zero part in the process of preparing my food. I find chopping and sauteing (sp?), and deciding what goes with what very calming. I guess it's the involvment of creating something out of many parts. Maybe it's because I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables and I'm attracted to the pretty colors.... at this point....

And the winner is....

2007-03-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

I got the internship... with the Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences (aka: the GRAMMYS).

Just so we're on the same page, let's go over what it is. It isn't really about an awards ceremony. It's not about red carpets. It's really a non-profit organization that provides advocacy for industry people that maintain memberships (hence the term Academy...)- artists, management, engineers, producers,etc... They also do recruiting. They also run the MusicCares program, which is what I want to do. They were the people that were down in Mississippi after Katrina replacing band instruments. They are who you want to know and who knows everybody. Everywhere. It's an opportunity for me to remain in music without selling my soul to the devil. I now get to give back.

The interview was amazing. It's run out of this beautiful row house in Nashville just off of music row. The house is full of air and light and good vibes and feminine touches. It is run mostly by these southern women who love to eat, drink, and be merry. I will fit in, I think. Andie Mcdowell is one of my bosses.

So, all in all, it was a success.

The first day and a half was a disaster food-wise. I cut that out though, after the most horrendous Jack Daniels hangover of my entire life. From then on it was salads with dressing on the side, fruit plates, and egg white omeletts. Since I was at sea level, running felt REALLY good, so I did get to work out. Add on to the hiking and running the week before and I am down 2 pounds. Not bad.

Nashvegas. Woot!

2007-03-19T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited I can't even bring myself to pack. That would entail dragging the suitcase off the shelf and trying how to arrange 4 days worth of professional attire (which I highly doubt I even have) in this itty bitty box. Now how am I supposed to fit my interview clothes, my evening wear AND my cowboy boots in one suitcase?

Coming from a divorced home and flying back and forth between Colorado and Houston has taught me the do's and don'ts of traveling.

DO be sure to pack fresh undies and your toothbrush in your carry on if you are checking your clothes

DO make sure to have plenty of quarters or a phone card to call your parent to let them know that United has, in fact, lost you and that you will most likely miss your connection but you will call your best friend that lives in Denver to come get you. (this is of course before parents started arming their kids with cell phones at a ridiculously young age).

DON'T wander away from your chaperone- even to go to the bathroom because they are so dumb, that would be the last place they check.

DON'T pack your entire catalogue of Bop and Tigerbeat magazines, CD's, and books. Most likely the businessman next to you won't appreciate you needing to use his tray table to sort it all out. Okay. So maybe you have upgraded from Bop to Rolling Stone, Elle, and Glamour, but the rule still applies. It's just that now the business man wants to buy you a drink (ew).

DO be sure to see if there is an exit row seat available upon arrival.

AND.....

DO be sure to pack an adequate supply of sedatives because after a childhood's worth of airline travel has left you completely intolerant of the general public.

Have a safe trip.
*************************
I went to Glenwood this weekend. I stayed with David and Rita the first night and my mom the next. I managed to get in a run long the Colorado River when I got in to town and a very strenuous hike the next. My quads hurt. My butt hurts. I drank herbal tea, had a slice of mancinelli's pizza and one of my mom's famous root beer floats and visited my high school to check out this new band director. Interesting fellow. He looks like he's twelve. Hangs out way too much with his students. Wears a very large red crucifix around his neck. He's working very hard to build back up the program that has been in shambles since Mr. Pelz, but conifided to me that he's only using this to bide time before grad school. I looked around the band room in all of it's disarray: the smell of mold, motivational quotes scrawled on printer paper taped together falling off the walls, broken cases, a band director who doesn't seem to care and it all made me sick to my stomach and wanting that Grammy job more and more.

al...most.....there....

2007-03-15T08:41:00.000-07:00

Eating: Ok.

Excercise: I haven't run as many days as I intended, but the runs I have gotten in have been awesome.

Mental health: On the brink...

I have been staring at a computer screen for the past few days and I think I'm developing carpal tunnel. I leave for Nashville on Tuesday and my first interview is a lunch meeting with The Grammys. Yup, the grammys. For a band dork like me, this is a dream job because it would entail bridging the connecting between celebrities, charities and school music programs. The thought of ending up in a job that actually allows me to contribute to putting music in schools makes this all worthwhile.

Stop the train. I wanna get off.

2007-03-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

So I was perusing blogs today. Sometimes, I just click that little button at the top that says "next blog" and I usually have to go through about 10 before I read one that isn't in spanish, about the Red Sox, or devoted to the stock market or real estate. Today, I found an evangelical that I agree with and a blog that is devoted to everthing that is wrong with Commerce City, Colorado.

What are the chances?

I want to start driving again, except I'm stuck in this parallel universe where I hate driving because someone at some point will kill me and the D line is getting old. Fast. Last week I was sitting in my seat minding my own damn business when this woman SITS ON MY LAP. The weird thing was, she wasn't one of the crazy ones- she just abandoned all of her manners and didn't feel like asking me to scoot over. Do you know how many times in my life I have sat on a complete stranger's lap? None. Not once in 25 years. Surely, it's not that hard to avoid.

And today's incident was just awful. I was standing at the top of the steps, waiting for the train to stop at school when this woman with a little girl of about 3 years old pushes me to get in front so she could get off first. Well, I don't hit women with children in tow (ok fine. I don't hit anyone because I'm a weenie), so I just scoffed. Quietly. And she actually heard it. So she turns around to give me a dirty look and is so irked that she forgets she has a kid with her. Well, the train stops and this kid is standing at the top of the stairs. So when it stops, the kid goes flying head first down the stairs against the door. Then the door opens and squishes this poor child in it. I hope that poor girl was ok (besides having a retard for a mother, I'm sure she was), but the woman was so embarassed that she ran off before I could check (working at a rec facility with tons of kids for 5 years, I have developed a parental instinct to check all children who fall down for life-threatening injuries. This mostly just freaks people out).

Alright, Stephanie. You take the train. I know you have stories. Lets here 'em.

Someone please STOP THE INSANITY. Seriously. Susan Powter is about to bang down my front door and personally rip the refrigerator from the wall. The day that is forever known as PMS Monday is finally over. When I add it all up, it's not all that bad. Some lentil soup. Some cheese. Some strawberries. An orange. Lots of Diet Pepsi.... stuff like that. But I just grazed alllllll day long. And now I feel icky. I now have 2 weeks, count 'em, 2 WEEKS until Nashville and I am not looking or feeling my best as planned. But, as you can see from the items listed above, my kitchen is relatively binge-proof, so that helps. Now I just need to call the grocery stores to tell them to not sell any chocolate products to Ross. There will be no contraband allowed past that front door.

the weather is around 60 this week so I have no excuse not to be hitting the pavement. Actually, I'm quite pleased at how well I've managed without a gym membership. I feel much more free when I can just go outside and "play".

I had my first band concert in 3 years. Boy, did I feel silly. I'll tell you what, though, not as silly as our first chair who played the entire show with her ass hanging out of her pants, facing the audience no less. You know those people who can't ever bother with pulling their pants up? She's one of them. And now 300 people know how white her butt is. I need some knew concert pants. I got these on sale at Old Navy and they are the "skinny" kind, but I wasn't anticipating having them hike halfway up my leg when I sit down and having to pull them down everytime I stand up. And now 300 people know how pasty white my legs are.

Fashion feaux-pas aside, it was a lot of fun. And I'm sure Mr. Pelz stopped by for a number or two.

The Party's Over

2007-02-20T08:06:00.000-08:00

Time to get down to business. I'm going to Nashville for interviews at the end of March. I couldn't feel any more cool about this. When I emailed my professor after he offered help in prepping me for the application process, I replied that I would take him up on that when I found "my target", but had been having trouble because it's so hard to find the right people. They will stonewall you into the ground. He then replied with every possible contact known to man with an offer to help get me set up. I think I peed a little.

So in order to get ready, I need to get my shit together. I want to be in great shape for this. I want look and feel my best. I want to have everything I can working in my favor.

I had a completely shitty week last week. I got this "attack" of sorts that the ER determined was acid reflux or gas. I had no idea it could cause you so much pain. I've always had a stomach made of steel, so this was quite a surprise. I spent the better part of the week on mashed potatoes and coke before I tried the OTC meds the nurse reccomended. So now, after a week of sugar and carbs and a few nights of drinking way too much, to my utter horror, the scale broke the ceiling.

My digestive system is now shot and the only saving grace has been the walk/run I've been able to get in.

It's funny, but everyone around me is doing a "juice fast". I would hardly count living off of store bought fruit juice a juice fast, but whatever. After the past week, I'm giving it a shot. I eased into it and am doing well. It's funny, you always hear that you will gain the weight back and then some and I started viewing the weightloss as merely a bonus, but on the last one I did (which was a year ago) I lost 5 pounds and only gained them back recently. Either way, I'm getting hooked on the wrong stuff and I'm a bloated mess, so it's time for the cleanup. So far, so good. I'm down about 4 pounds, which I'm positive is water weight from the sugar and liquor from the weekend, but good riddance regardless. I am starting to feel much better.

The Littlest Birds Sing The Prettiest Songs

2007-02-16T09:43:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of The Be Good Tanyas... Check out the song sometime. Beautiful song. It's getting me towards the light today...

Well I feel like an old hobo, I'm sad lonesome and blue I was fair as the summer day

Now the summer days are through

You pass through places

And places pass through you

But you carry 'em with you

On the souls of your travellin' shoes

Well I love you so dearly I love you so clearly

Wake you up in the mornin' so early

Just to tell you I got the wanderin' blues

I got the wanderin' blues

And i'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways one of these days soon

And I'll sing

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

Well it's times like these I feel so small and wild Like the ramblin' footsteps of a wanderin' child

And I'm lonesome as a lonesome whippoorwill

Singin these blues with a warble and a trill

But I'm not too blue to fly

No I'm not too blue to fly cause

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs...

Well I love you so dearly

I love you so fearlessly

Wake you up in the mornin' so early

Just to tell you I got the wanderin' blues I got the wanderin' blues

And I don't wanna leave you I love you through and through

Oh I left my baby on a pretty blue train

And I sang my songs to the cold and the rain I had the wanderin' blues

And I sang those wanderin' blues

And I'm gonna quit these ramblin' ways

One of these days soon

And I'll sing... The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs....

[I don't care if the sun don't shine I don't care if nothin' is mine I don't care if I'm nervous with you I'll do my lovin' in the wintertime] - Syd Barrett

Major setback today. You know when you land in the middle of a financial nightmare and you know you will be ok, but you don't see the light... yeah. It will be ok, but it's a lot more thought than I had hoped to give to money for the next few months. Blech. I had a minor meltdown and it lasted about 5 minutes, but I'm ok now. My appetite is all but depleted, which is ok because I've been consuming tummy-soothing items like mashed potatoes and cola (stomach flu) for the past couple of days and I'm not ready to get back on the hard stuff (salad, etc...) and the thought of eating something soft makes me ill all over again. It's a vicious cycle I have here...

If the wind dies down I will head out on a run. I'm going to push 5 miles today- up to city park, around it and back home again. Pray for me. Ross got me a pink iPod shuffle for V-Day. We both decided that we are pro-Valentine's Day and sure it's a corny greeting card holiday, but you know what? It's another excuse for us to act silly and in love and if I get some chocolate and a card that makes me cry, well, ROCK ON. Even when i was single and thought I would be alone forever I could get caught up in the romance of it all. It's for some, not for others I suppose...

I just wasn't expecting this cute little Shuffle. I am spoiled beyond belief. I know this. I'm ruined forever.... Again, what did I do to deserve all this???

Either way, it's my new best running mate.

Right Wrong, Weak Strong, Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down...

2007-02-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

The best Dave Matthews song ever is "Seek Up". This is indisputable (or unidisputable? crap...)

On a side note, I got to hear a track from Kelly Clarkson's first studio attempt (Since You've Been Goooooooooonnnnnnnnne!).... it was kinda cool to be able to pick out all the vocal tracks and listen to them one by one. You know there are 12 different vocal tracks- ALL Kelly's voice? I wonder how long that took them. I was thinking 3, maybe 4. Nope. A dozen.

Pop music. Yikes.

It's snowing and cold. Again. I've actually been running in the freezing temps. I am that desperate. I hate feeling like a schlub. I wanna MOVE. Of course I would be content eating peanut butter m&m's all day, but whatever...

2007-02-14T08:02:00.000-08:00

... you will run out to the store late at night to get me peanut butter m&m's because I just have to have them

...you can't resist a single girl who has to move. You have rescued several of my girlfriends.

... when the girls and I have had to much to drink on our night out you will brave downtown traffic and make sure everyone gets home safely.

...you make me laugh to the point of hysterics when I'm taking a shower.

...you are my biggest fan

...you make grocery shopping really fun.

... you humor me when I want to play dress up.

... you give the best hugs, hands down.

... you know just as much- if not more- "Friends" trivia as me... a feat not easily beaten. When I say some random line from "Friends", you know exactly what I'm talking about.

There's more. Lot's more, but this is getting gross.

All-nighter

2007-02-13T22:33:00.000-08:00

So my first Audio Production exam will not be taken until Thursday morning (online, no less) I am studying now to make sure I get it all done. Getting a jump on things (the study guide was just put out today) isn't really my style, but the sheer volume of info has turned me into a drooling, stuttering mess. Not to mention I am the fool in charge of compressing and submitting my group's first mix and my computer is acting as though it was built in 1972. So, I wait for my professor's emailed reply in hopes that he is still up (he has 2 year old twin boys and one on the way, I'm sure he sleeps at every available oportunity).

I don't know if it's because tomorrow is Valentine's Day and gooey feelings abound, but I am at a total fucking loss at how on Earth I got so lucky to find Ross. Case and point: I recieved a very encouraging email from my professor offering help in obtaining my dream internship in Nashville. This would require me to spend the majority of my summer there as well as pursue a career path that might unfold. I chose Nashville because it isn't full of tanned orange, silicon injected OC knock-offs like LA and it isn't as big and scary as New York. And quite frankly, I have couches to crash on (read: affordable). It is also up my alley music-wise and I don't want to end up schlepping around the city putting My Chemical Romance posters in every Virgin megastore within a 200 mile radius. I've been there. It isn't pretty. And besides, you can only get by on t-shirts and concert tickets for so long anyhow.

Anyway, back to the case and point. Yikes I got off track.

So I bring this to Ross and I don't even need to finish the thought before the man is on the Nashville Craigslist looking for houses. There wasn't a question in his mind that I would have his full support. Someday I will find a way to thank him for alllowing me to go conifdentally in the direction of my dreams...

We took Puck (the cat) to the vet today. She's nearing 10 and in perfect health. I have avoided taking her in for some time because it forces me to face up to her mortality. She is the perfect cat and everyone knows this. The thought of her not being here makes me instantly burst into tears, like I did when Dr. Feldman calculated her actual age (63). Enough about that, huh?

So, I'm getting fat again. Not like depressed fat, but a fat I can't really identify except that I'm focusing on other things. I eat very well. 5 times a day. More raw than I have been lately. I've been really working on getting some intended exercise in. I have found a nice long and varied running path. I'm woking on strength. I think it's the liquor and the fact that I don't focus on this every waking moment. At the moment, I have better things to worry about. But the alcohol, yeah, I'm going to have to start watching that. I want to be a college student AND in my mid twenties and that is what you call a really bad cocktail mix. So perhaps no more peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate at the top of the Hyatt downtown? No, can't do that. Not as long as it's this cold, anyway. Perhaps I can just live with some moderation.

Oh My......

2007-02-08T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have the post-party blues in a big way.

I haven't thrown a party in years and the last

time I threw a big one I was 18, my parents were out of town, the Garfield County Sheriff paid a visit, cars were forgotten in my driveway for days and every once in a blue moon I run into someone who only knows me as "the girl that threw that legendary party in the mountains".

In light of recent revelations, I decided to throw myself a party. It was to celebrate the fact that I am 25, happily unemployed, and still standing upright. I found the perfect place to do it. The Bump & Grind is this AMAZING cafe uptown that has every bright color slapped on the walls, funky tables and chairs, disco balls, every candy under the sun and drag queens. The drag queens were my selling point. And do not tell a soul, but it was DIRT CHEAP to rent. And Ross bought the liquor. My only job was to find a cheap dress and keep a bottle of champagne in my hands at all times.

It was a major success. I was terrified that no one showed up and I must've chased everyone I know around for WEEKS harassing them about whether or not they were coming.

And they came.

And now everytime I talk to anyone that was there, they tell me how what a great party I throw.

I am so doing this next year. If the industry wasn't so oversaturated I would do it exclusively, but that would probably suck all the fun out of it.

So this poses a whole other problem. My only obligation is to school (classes, ensembles, and clubs). I am keeping up with everything without a problem and my only regret is that I didn't suck it up, take out the loans and do this sooner. It took my body months and months to adjust to waking up at 330 am and everything else suffered. Now I fall asleep at midnight, wake up at 730 when Ross leaves and am developing quite the taste for the high life. Well, dammit, it's about time. I just need to not let it turn into making up for lost time. But if anyone asks me out for happy hour in the middle of the week, I'm not exactly inclined to say no. I'm still struggling with my ensemble section and I can't figure out what their problem is with me. Before, sure, I could be a nasty bitch with the rest of them. But now I just show up, make jokes with Tully and Greg (the two to my right) and play for the sheer joy of it...and I shower, which is apparently a foreign concept to some of them...

To points for me today: I mixed my first studio track today (after putting it off for YEARS) and I just got back from a run. Since my body isn't in a constant state of exhaustion (what a luxury), my legs feel stronger than ever. I feel a raw week coming on, perhaps to help filter out the champagne. Tonight I'm going to take an exam and do some strength and pilates.

No Contest.

2007-02-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

I love going to court. I imagine after a few more speeding tickets or when they find out what happened at the Mexican border that one time, that will change. The courthouse in Denver is one of my favorite places. It has grand halls and marble as far as the eye can see and I love how the echos carry even the most softest voices from one end to the other. And as long as I only have to go there for a speeding ticket or an assignment, it will stay that way.

There's something else that happens when I go to the courthouse and I can never figure it out. I get asked out by lawyers. Every single time. And I don't dress to the nines or even put on make-up. The first time it happened I was sitting in at the small claims court for a school assignment and on that particular day I looked like the quintesential college student: hair up in a ponytail, frayed slacks (I just can't bring myself to wear jeans in a courthouse), and some tshirt that came out of the <$5 bin at American Eagle or Old Navy. I sat down and the attorney immediately turned around and asked me why I was there. After I told him, I was promptly asked to lunch.

And it happened again today! Not to mention the guy in front of me in line who was there when I spoke with the judge and asked if I needed a ride and I politely declined. Once outside, I saw the brand new Lexus and was tempted to reconsider (it's literally 0 degrees. You dont' even want to know what the wind chill is), but I wasn't stranded on the interstate so I used my better judgment. I told him that I had lost 10 pounds by walking everywhere (which is total crap, but I haven't gained 10 pounds so whatever...)

This is one of those unexplainable phenomenons and I'm curious if this happens to anyone else. When I couldn't possibly be showing any less skin, my hair is a mess, and my slacks are too short revealing my mismatched socks, I get hit on. Not only that, but it's always the professionals and not the random drunk laying in a doorway. Don't get me wrong, it's completely flattering and I can handle being asked out by complete strangers much more gracefully than when I first lost weight and stuttered my way through "no thank you" while wishing I had reconsidered only because I felt bad (even though trying to explain it to Ross would make me feel even worse... "But honey, he just looked so sad". Yeah, I'm sure he would understand...). My only thought is that perhaps a dressed down girl is way less intimidating than one wearing a power suit who isn't afraid to tear your throat out? This is a misconception because a woman who isn't afraid to get wrinkled is way more dangerous.

Thoughts?

So I finally ventured into the campus fitness center. I hope I don't catch some flesh-eating bacteria. But with the way this winter is going, it's going to have to do. I've been turning my attention away from being "thin". I want to look athletic and strong. Scratch that. I want to be athletic and strong. I have no strength whatsoever and I want to change that. I mean, I have muscles and I can see them (and so can others when I have a tan), but I have no idea what to do with them. It's also easier to do at home (yoga, weights, pilates) and it's something new to me as I've never really focused on that before. So let's give it a go.

Damn you treadmill! DAMN YOU!

2007-01-29T08:29:00.000-08:00

I don't know if it was the massage I had that morning or the fact that juggling everything has left me tired, but I was running like a 90 year old with a broken hip on Saturday. I was doing yoga on Wednesday and the instructor demonstrated a full back bend and I thought, "Hey! I can do that!". Well, when I was 8 years old I could do that. I really could do the backbend, but my back muscles were NOT in the mood and I have never been so tight in my life.

Massages to me are a luxery and I get about 3 a year when I really need it, usually for my ankle. It's weird when you really listen to your body, it speaks loud and clear. Since my life is very different than it has been over the past year, I've been going through an adjustment period.

No longer can I drag myself out of bed at 3:45 am, go to work, run errands and work out and be done by 2 or 3 and nap all I want. I am now a slave to the classroom and those little torture contraptions they make you sit in (I swear they were more tolerable when my ass wasn't as bony). I now wake up with a greater purpose, which is nice, but I'm not sure if I'm getting any more sleep. I kinda shoot out of bed when Ross leaves whether I'm ready or not and am so anxious about sleeping through the day that I can't sleep at all! Who is this girl and what has she done with Jen???

But in my antsiness I was up by 7 am on saturday and Sunday and did a total of about 6 hours of homework. Could I actually graduate from college? It seems such an easy task for everyone else I know to get that stupid little piece of paper, but it has been a struggle for me. In school one semester, a semester "off" to work and catch up on bills and so on and so forth. It was as though I could use any excuse life could offer up to NOT do it. Why?

Beats me.

So it's over. I have no excuses. No shiny new boyfriend, no medical disaster, no creditors (well, there's always those), no "focusing on my health". Just getting on with it.

So today is shaping up nicely. I did weights, core, and yoga this morning. I was hoping to start running outside agian, but snow and cold is YET AGAIN in the forecast. I had an orange the size of my head for breakfast and will have the most delicious romaine and artichoke salad with vinegarette before I head out the door. It's weird. I'm gone from 11-6, but I do not get hungry. My body definitely needs the fuel and by Piano I am ready to pass out, but I have no desire to eat. What's even stranger is the fact that when I get home I am hungry, but not so much that I tear through the kitchen on a bender. I will fix that this week, because I can't go on feeling that crappy. Don't get me wrong, I'm eating enough calories (and certainly make up for it on the weekends if I don't), but I've had a liberal and luxerious schedule eating and convenience-wise so it's just one of those things I have to figure out in time.

Quarter Life Crisis is Officially Over. Resume Normal Activites.

2007-01-26T15:22:00.000-08:00

Wow. Time to repent.

I haven't been working out. I mean, I've been running my butt around campus hauling about 40 pounds of crap, but nothing intentional.

But I'm not concerned. For the past couple of weeks I have been juggling ensemble with the record label and my "real job" and school, but I had my last day today. The director of Athletics and Events for the university (which is Div 1) agreed to write me a stunning letter of recommendation and offered to update it as needed and they threw me a nice little party with cake, which I passed up.

Yup, I passed it up. The description from the baker of the cake started out with, "well, it begins with a pound of chocolate..." It just made my stomach turn. Perhaps it was also because people expressing sincerity about me makes me ungodly uncomfortable.

Upon leaving (and no, I wasn't escorted out by security), I didn't know how to feel. I looked at kids on the ice whom I had known since they were born and what life that place is filled with and I felt a bit sad. I was kind of in shock. For 5 years that has been my "place" and my excuse for not finishing semesters and my crutch in general and now I am without it.

When I got home, I didn't know what to do wtih myself, so I did a bunch of homework. I will take it as a good sign- a sign that I have better things to do. And I am better than that. I guess part of me was afraid that I would lose everything I had gained upon walking out the door. I walked in an insecure, overweight, obnoxious and lost 19 year old. In that place I found the woman inside who was always looking for a way out. A hottie emerged. I have 2 long purple scars on my ankle from snapping it on the ice. I have discovered courage. I know I'm not one of those people who would let someone die right before their very eyes without doing something. I lost 90 fucking pounds. I saw children born. And then skate. I have made more friends than I can count and learned that the world is not my enemy.

I met the man I'm going to marry someday. Someday.

I did all of that within those walls. I have made peace and found gratitude for those experiences.

Now, I just wonder where I'm going to take my zamboni ride on my birthday.

So.... School is good. No, it's awesome. The label is running pretty smoothly, though the album title for the new release is horrendous. The last release will be hard to beat. It was a campaign for Colorado music (called "Colorado Cuts") and we snatched up some great names for the project. It was reviewed by the Denver Post which lturned into a piece being done about us by the NY Times and led to us putting on a concert featuring a little known band at the time that was in our class (and I don't mean year, I mean the actual classroom) called The Fray. It was in this tiny auditorium with bad sound and our professor presented them with this UGLY little cake congratualting them for being signed by Epic.

Yeah. That would be tough to beat, I suppose.

The ensemble, which I thought would be the highlight (how in the hell to spell that word?!?!?!) has been a huge drag. It is possibly the nastiest, smelliest, cattiest flute section i've ever dealt with and they showed me their distaste for me the second I walked in the door. I don't know who they think they are fooling. It's a Division II school with an un-noteworthy ensemble and a director that gives repetoire totally out of their reach. But then, who am I fooling? I need the easy A.

The girl that sits next to me is a sight. She is me 5 years ago. Very young. Standoffish. Thinks I'm a total bitch. Overweight. Uncomfortable in her own skin. Plays very immaturely. They all do. I just want to shake them and yell, "What the hell is the matter with your studio teacher!!!"

God, if she only knew. If she didn't play in a marching position with her bell right in my ear (is she doing that on purpose?). I have resorted to bringing an earplug for that side.

So I've rambled on a bit here, but it's been exciting. I get to record music on the same soundboard that recorded the Beatle's "Abbey Road", which to me is the coolest thing ever (Carribou Ranch donated it to the school). My party is coming up and it should be a riot.

I haven't been concerned about weight. I weigh 5 pounds less than I did last year, which means I'm getting a handle on this whole seasonal weight gain. While I haven't had any intentional exercise, my body has adjusted accordingly and I don't experience ravenous hunger and haven't caved to the food on campus. In fact, I've been eating a particularly raw diet and I feel so good. The exercise thing will change tomorrow as I'm off to the base to workout with the new recruit. Boot Camp, here I come!!!

Confidence: RESTORED

2007-01-16T10:41:00.000-08:00

Well, the audition went well. Please note the following post will be laden with an extraordinary flex of ego.

I woke up this morning with a sensation I haven't felt in a long time (get your mind out of the gutter!).

My heart was racing.

My lip was twitching.

Audition day!

I had some green juice and toast. Took a shower. Did my make-up (yay!) and headed down.

Confession: I did take my little shooter of whiskey. For those of you that find this a sick practice, wake up. Some of your most revered musicians- classical and otherwise- can't even play unless they are completely stoned. Barry Bonds has nothing on these people. I never got a perscription for barbituates or some other drug because they are addictive. I chose Wild Turkey because A) it's pretty strong and B) It tastes like shit. and C) My grandmother told me to. It doesn't cloud my judgment or my senses (I obviously need those) and it makes my heart stop racing and my lip and hands stop shaking long enough to get through it. I mean, how drunk can you get off of 2 tablespoons of whiskey?

Anyway. When I arrived at the audition site, I noticed a little group of girls. It had to be them. The flutes. The director of course had put us all together so I could hear how it was going inside the room. I'm no Galway, but those girls were making some stupid mistakes. Mistakes that aren't caused by nerves, but makes their professor look really bad.

I had my share of fumbles, but my tone came through just fine. It was drilled in my head during my early days in Aspen that the edge I would have would be NOT sounding like some frou-frou little dainty flute player, but playing with strength and richness. The director took notice. I finished my first passage and he welcomed me to the ensemble and said "you are going to light quite a fire under their asses, that's for sure".

So now that my nerves have settled and my confidence has recieved a very ecessary boost, I'm left a certain "Ohmmmmm". Good stuff.

I have got to figure out my workout situation. This snow isn't going away anytime soon and after next week I won't have my super luxerious athletic facility anymore (or the sorostitutes to go along with it). I now have my own school's facility, but I have to wait for things to calm down after I get everything in order (locker, lightrail pass, schedule, etc...) I feel like a bit of a schlub, but the looming 5k will keep me focused, hopefully. Now if could stop eating everything in sight. I struggle on the mondays before and after TOM with this because I have all of these fresh groceries, my appetite is insatiable and I'm usually just bumming around the house because it's my day off. I need a plan of attack now that I will be around more often. Must keep busy. Must journal if necessary. Must do whatever it takes to GET CONTROL. I'm in a process right now of facing the music and this is a part of it.

Leap, and the net will appear

2007-01-12T12:21:00.001-08:00

I believe whole-heartedly in this theory. I have been charmed to have the faith that no matter what happens, it will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.

I quit my job today. The same job I've had for 5 years. It's amicable and they are throwing me a party and now the girl who has been there the longest will be there no more. I'm taking my panties out of a wad and getting on with it. 19-24 are some pretty formative years. I shed that outer skin, learned that I can't always be the hero and nothing ever really goes according to plan and how to butterfly a 6 inch gash and seperate parents spitting on eachother over a bad call and that despite the fact that she's an Olympian and a professional figure skater, Michelle Kwan is a really nice girl.

And what can I say? I love a good hoopla over me.

I will miss it terribly and I can't convince myself otherwise. These people have opened up their lives to me and allowed me be a part of their children's lives. I think I may be doing a lot of babysitting.

And in honor of this decision as well as my 25th birthday I'm throwing one hell of a party. It's called skank n' swank and I'm looking for a big, cheap room to throw it in. I think everyone should be required to throw a bash every 5 years or so just to celebrate the fact that they are still upright.

What??? Do they speak english in What? English, motherfucker.... DO YOU SPEAK IT"

2007-01-05T14:34:00.001-08:00

Sorry, Pulp Fiction flashback.

I remember sitting in my advisors office when I was starting school downtown and she said to me, "now, as a former performance major, you probably want to keep up with an ensemble... You know, to keep you straight".

I thought she was joking. Surely, she was joking. You see, my major is a mix of entertainment, copyright, law, publishing , record labels, and LOTS of music classes thrown in. Piece of cake, I thought. In a way it is. In another way, I'm sitting in "advanced" theory classes with people who couldn't count out a 4/4 rhythm to save their lives. They spent hours upon hours in their rooms playing air guitar and learning a few chords, but never bothered to learn the music itself. Never learned to analyze it or to know where it actually comes from. But they are and always willl be the Lords of "Cool".

And we wonder why the industry is in shambles (thank all of those budget cuts in music programs, people).

I never knew how lost and out of place I would feel.

I faced the reality of being a classical major and the grim statistics that would face me upon graduation ( 248 symphony jobs per 11,000 graduates. WTF?). I accepted that I would probably never make enough money to cover the cost of attending a $30,000 music school. I concluded that I love music too much to ever not consider it as a career, but there were many avenues I could take to facilitate my passion as well as my need to eat and be warm. Hell, I even hate performing (I would have to take 2 tables spoons-yes, tablespoons- of wild turkey just to be able to consider wandering onto stage, something I finally got over). So my decision was made and it was pretty easy.

I love the possibilities this degree has brought and will bring me and the subjects are fascinating. I just can't help but be absolutely heartbroken when something that by title represents music, but at times is so far from it.

So, next week, I will wander into a symphony audition. Hopefully, my mad skillz (haha) will cover up the pad job that needs to be done to my Powell. Believe it or not, I have grown to love auditioning. Especially group auditions. They're just so dirty. The put you all in a circle and make you practice in front of one another while you are literally scrutinized in every possible way. One of 2 things happen:

1) You are shitting yourself because you are obviously 10 times worse than anyone else and you now have to play in a small dark room (or better yet, behind a screen with a panel looking down on you).

2) You realize that you have nothing to worry about because you got lucky on a fast passage and you know in five minutes you will be laughing it up in your future professor/director's office.

I've been pretty lucky in this department. I have always walked into an audtion with a natural sense of inferiority, but the outcome always makes my ego obnoxiously huge. A little fear never hurt anyone, right?

So, after my faith and confidence have been shot the past two years by the people who started emo, I'm going to walk into that audition room and get it back. I seriously need the Samual L Jackson confidence in Pulp Fiction, with a wallet that says "BAD MOTHERFUCKER" and all. And then I will get on with my life.

2006-12-27T07:23:00.000-08:00

And so it is. I finally had a great Christmas. This season made me feel so blessed in life. For what I have, which is everything I need. For what I hope for (and a renewed spirit for getting there). For the good relationships in my life and the power I have over their destiny. And for the pink lunchbox that Ross gave that is my favorite random present ever.

I'm also thinking about what-ifs and how they affect the direction of your life. Something so stupid as not having a car has really got me thinking. I would've continued down the same path, trudging to work at ungodly hours because I felt I had no other choice, having no desire to finish school because it was easier to just show up at 4:30 in the morning for a job I kinda like, but have had way too long. Now, I can't do that. A big, welcome change is looming and not a moment too soon.

Digging out.

2006-12-22T07:37:00.000-08:00

I ventured to work this morning, taking advantage of the fact that I don't have to drive in this mess (not that it would matter. I could've driven around and dug people out with my tank of a car. I miss her terribly.)

It's quite a winter wonderland and beyond gorgeous. I think it should be a standard here to have a blizzard shut everything down for a couple of days and give everyone a little break (I'm sure the owners of all of those abandoned cars on the interstate don't see it that way). There wasn't much to do yesterday so Ross and I took the train down to the 16th st mall, which was THE place to be apparently. I don't know how all of those people got there (perhaps they were shuttled from the airport), but the 3 Starbucks were open, so people came down. We then spent the rest of the day eating leftover casserole and finishing up Season 3 of the Sopranos.

Is it true that you burn twice as many calories wading through knee deep snow and gale force winds in snow gear?

Off on a walkabout

2006-12-19T06:04:00.000-08:00

My car blew up. On the Interstate. And being Jen, I knew EXACTLY where my cellphone was...

On the kitchen counter.

This on the heels of my very first speeding ticket/traffic stop (total bullshit, of course). Well, thankfully the authorities caught up with me before my car could explode and I can't drive at all...

So I'm stranded on I-70 near Federal. And I have to hitch a ride. The only person that stops is some mexican dude who spoke no english, but delivered me safely in the middle of little tiujuana Denver. I then proceeded to spend an hour and a half probably having the funnest conversation of my life with Dominic the Conoco cashier as he let me use his phone and bummed me a cigarette (I swear to God, the first thought that ran through my head when my car stopped moving was, "FUCK I NEED A CIGARETTE"). And he let me use the restroom when said cigarette made me sicker than a dog.

So, alas, no car.

Which means I get to walk. And don't think that bothers me too much. Only that I live in a transient neghborhood and now must figure out how to safely get to work at 4:30 in the morning. I'm lucky to have public transport at my doorstep. I don't even have to pay. Perhaps I can live off of loans, not work (oh sweet jesus i would love that) and walk my merry little ass everywhere. We shall see. this may be one of those change of like random occurances. I was considering quitting altogether, but this sort of shifts things back into perspective. Someday, I would like to drive a new car where I'm certain I won't get stranded on the interstate. For this, a college degree would be most helpful in finding gainful employment.

I got yet another reason to maintain my weightloss yesterday. I had a doctor's appt to check up on my pill and my doctor has called me the poster child for this particular brand. She says I'm fairly lucky that I was able to have all of my PCOS symptoms erradicated by the pill and with that and losing as much weight as I did, she said that I am essentially peserving my ability to have children.

Yay, me.

So I've heard that bad things come in 3's. Hell, it's a proven fact in my family. A speeding ticket and an engine blow-up in one week... I will keep everyone posted. This will not ruin my christmas. For all the bad Christmas's, my crazy mother and my even crazier stepmother, I am going to enjoy it this year. Ross, it's you and me, kid. Well, you, me, the cat and the turkey (and Christmas dinner on the futon and movies and good food and drink and presents. Woot...)

I am fairly surprised at how I've been able to keep up with working out. I find that running outside in the cooler air and pollution actually makes running on the treadmill that much easier. Go know.

And, in the process of writing this post, my week went from throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-bus lousy to I-am-on-fire great. An Avalanche player, who shall remain nameless, came in to bring his kid to practice and we struck up a conversation. He asked me, "So, ah, whatcha doin' on Saturday night?" I thought "Well, he's either going to ask me to babysit or something else I don't want to hear". I find out he was just making sure I would use the SLAMMING GOOD seats to the Blackhawks game this saturday night.

Yay, me.

Color me stoked...

2006-12-16T12:25:00.000-08:00

So, The Fray is the new support for Dave Matthews.

In related news, Jen is exactly where she's supposed to be, doing exactly what she's supposed to be doing.

That is some crazy shit right there.

The Schweizer women

2006-12-08T05:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm out of commision. I started the week thinking that a cold was in my near future, but it was actually an injury. I pulled a muscle (or all of them) in my neck. Sooo, I haven't wanted to work out (obviously), I've been a total pain in the ass, and I've wanted nothing in my mouth but carbs. Bready, chewy, carbs.

Imagine that.

There is absolutely a connection with being hurt/ill and finding comfort in food. And you know what? I don't see a huge problem with this.

When I have a tummy ache, I'm more than happy to curl up with a coke. After all, it settles my tummy. But why does a hurt neck make me instantly want a bagel? Because food is an immediate comfort. Is this a human thing or a Jen thing?

Why the hell am I even pondering this??? I get hurt every blue moon, I want some spaghetti. I get the flu and I want a coke. I don't wollow in a bag of chips because my boss yelled at me so we are going to leave it at that.

Next, please.

Also, you may think that the following is connected to the former, but it really isn't. Why is it that the second winter hits, I gain 3-5 pounds? I'm not sweating it really becuase I'm taking good care of myself for the most part (save for that injury bagel). I've heard it's a Colorado girl thing to put on a few winter pounds, like rosy cheeks and natural beauty (wink, wink).

Next, Please.

I'm getting burned out on weight. Not of eating well or working out, but just WEIGHT. Perhaps it's time to take a 3fc break. The girls are absolutely amazing. What a support system! Plus, it gives me somthing to scroll while I'm bored at work. In fact, I would even say it is one of the bigger factors in maintaining for me. But I'm getting tired. I had this huge paragraph devoted to the different personalities of 3fc, but deleted it. Just because I'm experiencing some burn out doesn't mean I get to classify people as I see fit. But sometimes all of it just wears on me a bit.

And then I think back. Back then, it didn't just wear on me once in a while, it weighed me down every single day.

Every. Single. Waking. Moment.

Next, please.

Today is going to be glorious. 60+ degress and sunny. I'm feeling well enough to hit the pavement again. I'm planning a haircut and a brow wax. I have discovered the BEST and the CHEAPEST place to get a cut and style in Denver (small hint: The Aveda Institute). I mean, c'mon. A professional cut and color for $15 that has the same quality of a $200 job in Cherry Creek?

Color me pretty.

So if the Beauty God, Sun God, and Health God line up today, it should be a nice day.

Happy Tuesday.

2006-12-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

1) Are your parents married or divorced? Divorced since, well, forever. But the older they get, the more alike they become again.
2) Are you a vegetarian? Kinda not really. It serves no purpose in my diet but for pleasure.
3) Do you believe in Heaven? Aww. That's sweet.
4) Have you ever come close to dying? Yes. In fact, my job title is actually, "VP of Cheating Death"
5) What jewelry do you wear 24/7? My watch and Tiffany rings that Ross gave me, which, I would like to mention, I HAVE NOT LOST YET
6) Favorite time of day?right after I'm done working and done working out.
7) Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Mmmm. yum
8) Do you wear makeup? Not to workm, but most other places
9) Ever have plastic surgery? Yes on my arm to take off a bunch of scar tissue. Ew is right.
10) Do you color your hair? Yes. I started going gray at age 20
11) What do you wear to bed? shorts and a tank top.
12) Have you ever done anything illegal? Yes. Not robbed-a-bank-illegal, more like the typical underage stuff.
13) Can you roll your tongue?Yes
14) Do You tweeze your eyebrows? No. I wax.
16) Do you believe in Abortions? No, I don't "believe" in abortions. I believe in reproductive rights, in good and bad.
17) What is your Hair color? Brown
18) Future child's name? Coltrane. Yes, Coltrane as in the musician (Cole for short). Or Charlote, Shelby, Peyton, or Cadence. I like southern girl names and I don't know why.
19) Do you snore? Not anymore
20) If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Fiji, New Zealand, the south of France
21) Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No I sleep with Ross. And the cat.
22) If you won the lottery, what would you do first? pay off the ol' debt and buy a yacht
23) Gold or silver? Platinum
24) Hamburger or hot dog? They both have their occasions.
25) If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? baby corn and cantaloup
26) City, beach or country?Country
27) What was the last thing you touched? a hockey bag. YUCK.
28) Where did you eat last? My couch.
29) When's the last time you cried? Last Thursday when the older gay guy was really mean to me in the checkout line at Safeway. Chivalry IS dead.
30) Do you read blogs? Yes
31) Would you ever go out dressed like the opposite sex? I live most of my life dressed as either a man or a bum
32) Ever been involved with the police? Oh dear God yes
33) What's your favourite shampoo, conditioner and soap? Soap- the Dove bar and L'occitane, Shampoo- Aveda, Conditioner- Aveda
34) Do you talk in your sleep?I really wouldn't know.
35) Ocean or pool?Pool
38) Window seat or aisle?Aisle on long trips, window on short ones.
39) Ever met anyone famous? That's classified.
40) Do you feel that you've had a truly successful life? No, in fact I typically view myself as a massive failure, but things will look up once I win the lottery
41) Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl
42) Ricki Lake or Oprah Winfrey? I pretend I don't like Oprah (but watch her in secret)
43) Basketball or Football? Football
44) How long do your showers last? Who knows?
45) Automatic or do you drive a stick? I am driving an automatic for the first time ever. I feel like a big weenie girl
46) Cake or ice cream? Cake
47) Are you self-conscious? Not about my appearance, but about other things.
48) Have you ever drank so much you threw up?Yes
49) Have you ever given money to a beggar?Yes
50) Have you been in love?Yes
51) Where do you wish you were? Back at the beach with Ross drinking Corona :( :( :( :
(52) Are you wearing socks? Yes. Lots of socks. Wool socks AND cotton ones.
53) Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? A few times (see job title)
54) Can you tango?No
55) Last gift you received? Knitting supplies :)
56) Last sport you played? basketball
57) Things you spend a lot of money on? Groceries, tea
58) Where do you live? Denver, Colorado
59) Where were you born? Corpus Christi, Texas
60) Last wedding attended? Brian and Amber's in Nebraska.
63) Most hated food(s)? raw fish. Unless I'm stranded on an island and I can't make fire because it's raining, COOK IT UP.
.64) What's your least fav?
65) Can you sing? No, can't sing. But I do!
66) Last person you instant messaged? Erin
67) Last place you went on holiday? Padre Island.
68) Favourite regular drink? hibiscus tea
69) Tag 3 friends:No thanks!
70) Current Song? "Pay For What You Get" Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds from Storytellers.

Playing House

2006-11-30T09:15:00.000-08:00

Brrr, man, brrrrrrr!!! 5 degrees!!!!

But I don't care! It's the holidays! And I'm in love and that makes the holidays even better!!!!

In my single days, would I have been caught dead draping my house with tinsel and pine cones and lights and dragging a tree up 3 flights of stairs? No! Would I be sitting on a curb in downtown Denver to watch a parade in subzero temps?

Of course not.

But that's ok. He's worth it.

So I have been insanely spoiled this week with 2 gifts that made me cry.... The first, oddly enough, was a blender. It was from my dad. Why would a blender make me teary? Well, we had one of those awesome family vacations on October on the beach and much of it was spent making margaritas. Sooooo, in the middle of winter, my dad sent me a blender.

The second was from a person not incredibly dear to my heart, but who is perhaps an even better gift giver than I am. She was a houseguest of ours recently and brought along her knitting stuff. I have always always always wanted to learn, but never got the guts to get started. When I see a homemade scarf on someone, I always feel a little envious. It is truly one of the best gifts you can give someone. I mean, it's something you put time into sewing and it means you want to keep someone warm. It's sweet. I also feel as though it's like quilting or a strogonaf recipe- it's something that can bring families together and trickle down to generations.

Well, I guess she picked up on my sentiments because I came home to find a box full of soft yarn, knitting needles, and the "Stitch and Bitch" book. It was truly the best gift ever. And even though I have been at it all of a day, I can tell that it was just something that I was meant to do.

Success!

2006-11-27T17:07:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving, that is.

I usually don't escape without having a couple of plates of food, but I got through one normal sized plate and... I was full. Of course I had a nibble later on that night, but all in all it wasn't a gorge fest.

So:

Food: fantastic

Conversation/company: good. I got invited to a retired psychologist's pool. My friend and I also came to the conclusion that psychologists in general are the most extreme example of overcompensation of freakiness and mental illness.

Drama level: 1. We all just got along. Of course, none of were related.

Raw.

2006-11-22T05:39:00.000-08:00

So I did a few days of jucing and moved into raw this week. I wasn't planning on it. It just sort of happened. I've been eating a LOT of food, but I feel amazing. I had the past couple of days off of work and have been a running machine. Poor Ross. He's sticking out the juice fast till today I think. He did really well. He only got tired yesterday. I can't imagine if he had kept working out like he had originally planned. I'm contemplating veganism. Of course, that will be shot out the window promptly at dinner tommorrow. I am a turkey junkie (isn't that what they called Ralphie's dad in A Christmas Story?). I LOVE that movie.

I've started something, I think. My friend is joining the Navy and now she is planning a juice fast, but that's only to get to that magic number she needs to see before they will sign her (hopefully she will take my advice and not drink Nakeds the entire time as the mission is to actually lose weight). I see myself 2.5 years ago. Once I learned that I could "do it", absolutely nothing got in my way. I'm certain I was a total pain in the ass to be around. For one thing, when you start to lose an excessive amount of weight, vanity REALLY takes over. Well, maybe not to a better person, but it bit me in the ass. Suddenly, your friends have lost the original Jen and now must put up with, "Can you really tell?" "Hold on while I stand in front of this mirror for an hour and a half". I'm surpised I retained as many friends as I did. They also have to put up with you being obsessive about things like food and exercise, which is an important part of someone's daily life and makes them seem like a totally different person.

I can't believe people are as surprised as they are that they lose friends when they lose weight.

"Your friends are just jealous"

"They can't handle the 'new' you"

"They are the skinny one, not you"

All of these can be true. But the fact is, YOU CHANGE! It didn't happen one day when I woke up and weighed 130 pounds (for like a day). It was a change that happened gradually as I began to reclaim and own who I was. I was no longer afraid of what would happen if I spoke my mind. My body and person and self just came together.

Yeah, that will change someone.

I'm grateful my true friends were as supportive. Some weren't. My guy friends who had been my friends for a couple of years suddenly dropped me when their girlfriends saw me. Suddenly, I was nothing but an afterthought. People who had never bothered with me before suddenly found me "worthy" I learned a lot not only about myself, but about others. I learned about friendship. My friends have their own struggles, but still cheer me on every step of the way.

Thats why when I see this friend who is now a "loser", I feel a little sad. Will she forget about us that cheered her on in her wake? Will she too be exposed to the realities that your appearance does matter and that will become blatently clear? Will it disenfranchise her or make her stronger? I feel she will be fine. I see the change already and know that I will be there for her as she was for me. My memory is long.

Juicing

2006-11-17T05:26:00.000-08:00

So this week went really well. I went for 2 30 minute runs on wednesday, one in the morning, the other just before supper. I think running in cooler (notice I didn't say *freezing*) weather suits me.

I live in the most interesting neighborhood.

Our old neighborhood is about 10 blocks from here and about a world apart. We lived right off of Colfax, which is the "longest, wickidest street in America" according to Playboy. And I believe it. We lived on Capitol Hill, the raunchiest section of all, I believe. Pulling into an alley, we would have to wait for a crackhead to finish smoking before he would move out of the road. I was at a bar across from the old place on Halloween and I *think* someone offered to sell me a teenager. The day after we moved, a man randomely had his head stomped in behind our apartment. Between the whores, crackheads, yuppies, trendsters, missionaries, and state legislators, it was hard to know where you stood in the world.

I couldn't run in that neighborhood.

But 10 blocks north it's a different story, even though people think differently. It is an urban residential neighborhood. People think of it as predominatly black, and it is in some parts, but overall its perfectly evened out. It was actually the first neighborhood in Denver where blacks were *allowed* to live. The houses are beautiful. I can't describe them, but they are all so different. Big porches and all different colors and uneven sidewalks. There are people out all the time. Some have homes while many others are just wanderers.

I encountered both on my run and they both made an impression.

I guess 2 of them needed a purpose for a while and chose me as their reason.

I was jogging along at a good pace when all of the sudden I hear, "get those knees up... NOW!" I turn around and see this man riding towards me on a bicycle. He slowed and rode along with me acting like me drill sergeant, repeatedly informing me that I was dragging ass.

After he got bored, I picked up another one! A woman stumbled off of her porch (and I do mean stumbled) and said, "Pick those motha-fuckin' knees up, ya hear me. Shoot" in the smoothest voice I had ever heard. Even though she wasn't yelling, her tone told me that she was serious.

It really was one of my finer runs. And I have now put some cold weather Under Armour on my Christmas list.

I'm doing a juice fast for the next few days. I have managed to become completely addicted to sugar and it's time to break it. While everything else eating-wise has been fine, I can't even talk about how much candy I've consumed recently. I've been feeling kinda lousy in that department and I can feel a tailspin starting. This isn't the time. I've also had this completely ovewhelming feeling for the past couple of weeks. Even after a hard work out at the gym yesterday, I felt like running everyone in front of me off the road. Time to get back to basics, unearth and deal with the issue, and move on. There was a thread on 3FC recently about restriction and maintenance and where certain things are concerned, like candy (and sugar in general), there is no moderation or middle ground. When I break myself of the *need*, I don't give it a second thought.

So mentally, physically and spiritually, it's time for some juice! Bring it on!

"Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder would never get a record deal.... they're blind"

2006-11-15T05:46:00.000-08:00

It didn't snow. I fussed ALL DAY about the snow and... nothing. I don't know why, but I really wanted it to snow!

SO I tried rowing yesterday. Apparently, it's supposed to be this huge calorie burner, but I didn't break much of a sweat. I'm sure I'm doing it wrong.

So I'm going to see this documentary on Friday night at the library in Boulder (patchoulie, anyone?) It's called "Before The Music Dies". It's a study of how ginormously fucked up the music industry has become. This is one of those topics where I just have so much to say, but I have no idea where to start. The beginning of the trailer pretty much sums up my frustrations. It shows two girs who look around 15. They have never heard of Bob Dylan. The would tell Ashlee Simpson that she's "real". And it's not really all about music. It's interesting to see people get ridiculously excited over a song that was essentially chosen for them. We listen to what some old fat guy in a label boardroom tells us to listen to. There are 5 major labels. You can look at the back of a CD and see something other than one of those names, but it is almost certainly owned and controlled by one of those labels.

Another thing to consider is the backlash that has been caused by digital music. I believe in the protection of copyrighted work and while it may be cheap for you to rip off someone's work, it is not necessarily right. BUT, it has woken up these labels. We have been horribly overcharged for music for a very long time. The $15+ you pay for a CD? You now know that making your own costs a mere fraction of that. In that $15 you are not paying for some plastic and fancy cover art. You are buying the marketing of that album. You essentially paid for Ashlee Simpson's nose job, not her singing lessons.

Well, that's changing. The labels have come to realize that while we won't pay $15 for a CD with maybe one good song, we will pay $65 to see a decent live performance (something they've been shafting for a looooong time). And we will most definitely pay $15 for 15 songs that we can compile ourselves with the click of a mouse. Consider this:

-overall album sales DROPPED 7.2 percent from 2004

-it was the first time in the soundscan era ('91) that a BILLION units of music were consumed. This included 352 million downloads. Never before has any single configuration (45's, CD's, tapes) sold so many in a year

.-16.2 million units of digital albums (not singles), a 190 percent increase over 2004. Interestingly, only 48 albums went platinum (that's half from 2003).

But the trailer is good. And Dave's in it.... http://www.beforethemusicdies.com/

Break out the bird...

2006-11-14T04:54:00.000-08:00

I love the holidays!

I didn't always used to. Thanksgiving in particular has a bad reputation in my family. Car accidents, hospital visits, nervous breakdowns, you name it. I tend not to stray too far from home on this day.

That's changing. Even though last year was equally disappointing, the dread that usually signals that day's arrival has lifted. I imagine that this has to do with being with someone who comes from one of those families that does holidays really well. Everyone goes to the same house with the country decor, sits around the table and plays nice for a few hours. I dunno, since I've found Ross I've experienced a sort of contentment around the holidays that as long as we stick together it will turn out just fine. Ahh the romance of coming from a broken home, people...

I've sort of latched on to the notion that the quieter the day is, the better. I'm working that morning and will most likely be entrusting Ross to babysit the bird (read: DO NOT FEED RAW TURKEY TO THE CAT). I just don't want to come home to find Ross with a turkey over his head and the cat chasing him around the room.

But I guess it would be par for the course...

I can't believe it's next week! The past few years I've really gotten into the Holiday hype. I guess it's because I'm doing it my way now. I also have a man with muscles to help me carry the damn tree. And hang the lights. And I can drink myself into a holiday stupor if need be (I typically don't, but it's comforting to know how to spike the eggnog in emergency situations).

I do not know what's come over me. I spent a TON of money on groceries. I made a juice on friday and now I can't get enough. I am totally well-intentioned here. But all I want to do when I get home is crash. Read. Hell, STUDY. My whole routine has been shaken up by... winter. And I'm not even depressed like I was last winter. I feel so damn good it's ridiculous. I have a wonderful man. I have my health. I have plenty of food in my tummy and my apartment is warm. I guess it's an intrinsic move to hunker down for the winter. The annual downswing. If all goes well I will run stairs in the arena after work and get home in time to just settle in and watch some snow fall.

We checked out the new Museum of Contemporary Art on Sunday. It's worth noting that it's the only Daniel Libeskind project that has been completed in the United States (the other one being the pending Freedom Towers in New York). I had never been to an art museum. I was impressed. The New West exhibit was incredible.

I have no idea what they were thinking putting a Libeskind in Denver. Here I am in this building that is a work of art all on its own. Between that and the art istelf, I was truly in the presence of greatness.

But Denver is simply not ready for a cultural experience such as this. Between the man that compared a male appendage in a painting to his own- in front of his children, and the woman who grabbed a Native American tapestry that was hanging on the wall and shook it...

We just aren't ready.

2006-11-09T08:18:00.000-08:00

Ok. Found a workout groove. Must. Stick. With it.

So I love the Biggest Loser. It's a great feeling to accomplish something like that and perhaps I live a little vicariously through them. It also gets the motivational juices flowing and before you know it, I'm dancing around my living room like a big dork because I just want to be moving.

Has anyone noticed that the girl on the red team with the short hair is the UGLIEST crier? I know it's totall superficial, but I can't help it. She cries ALL THE TIME. Her mouth does this weird thing where it morphs into a giant square that literally takes up her entire face. It's the oddest thing.

Anyway.

We have company. She's a perfectly nice girl, but I'm still convinced that she's setting out to steal my man (Maury Povich Style). She's here on business and the last time she came out we were left broke and exhausted. I swear. Whenever we get out of state visitors they want to ski in the summer and hike in the winter. She wants to go hiking. OK. It may have been 75 yesterday but it's going to snow tonight and it IS actually winter in the mountains. It's that simple. It's not like if we drive around long enough we'll find the warm weather, like POOF! The season changes back to summer (though we can dream, huh?).

No, she's a perfectly nice girl and as far as houseguests go she's top notch. I'm just not interested in being dragged across the state. I think she just got confused like most people east of the Hudson. Just because Steamboat is in the same state does not mean we can make a lovely daytrip out of it.

East Coasters. You people rock.

Well hello, Govunah!

2006-11-08T06:21:00.000-08:00

We don't like the queers here in Colorado, and you can spark up that doobie somehwere else, thank you.

You know, it didn't turn out completely as I had hoped, but it's a step in the right direction. I don't understand why we need measures that specifically ban certain rights from people. After all, amending the Constitution to take away rights from others has never ever ever ever ever worked. Why don't people get this? It is such a waste of energy to go to the trouble to specifically isolate a group of citizens when in the end we always realize how wrong we were and overturn it anyway. It only shows how insecure and easily threatened we are as a country if we can't at least validate the committed relationship between two individuals. And when my parents stop marrying, I will believe in the sanctity of marriage, thank you (Mom has 3 under her belt, dad has 2).

The domestic partnerships ref did not pass, but it was avery narrow margin. I had high hopes for it, but I can't be too disappointed with progress, however slow it is.

Anyway, an odd thing happened yesterday. I was doped all day from that damn sleeping pill (never again) and crashed when I got home. When I came to, I was simply in no mood to go run. But something weird happened.

All of the sudden, my workout clothes were on.

THEN, my shoes were on!

Before I knew it, I was jogging outside. I have no idea how it happened, but I'm not opposed to it happening again. It's going to be 75 degrees today so I will stop at Wash Park for my run on my way home. Perhaps my car will just pull itself into the parking lot, no?

So I'm fed up with people this week. I've had an odd series of occurances that have left me pissed off at the general public at large.

I was in Target on Friday after the Michelle Kwan shoot. Picture it: I'm in the iPod aisle. I'm standing there dressed very professionally (in heels!) gazing at the back of a box of headphones. I'm holding my purse AND my carkeys. The only thing that would say "come bug the shit out of me" is a gold plated name tag which is BARELY visible, but CLEARLY states where I'm from, and it isn't Target (and I'm not wearing a red shirt, hello!).

I'm interrupted by this older woman in her 50's. She marches right up to me and launches into I tirade about how she can't find table fans. At first, I thought she was just crazy. And then it hit me that she just thought I worked there. I tied to interject, but that made her even more upset that I had interrupted her, so I just waited her out. When she was done, I said, "Lady, I do not work here". She then proceeded to put her face right up to my name tag, raise her eyebrows and say, "Oh, reeeeeeeeeallly????"

Like I was lying to her!

So I pointed to the words and said it very slow and she said "oh" and walked away.

And it happened AGAIN.

The next day, Ross and I are at the mall and we are in a clothing store. I exit a fitting room.... barefoot......tags sticking out of my clothes.... I'm poking my head around and I'm clearly lost.

I don't get 10 feet from the door and a woman grabs me and goes, "do you work here?"

She wasn't rude about it, but I was. I shouldn't have been. But come on! Have we become that unaware of those around us? I dunno. Twice in a row. It just chapped my ass.

Bah.

Vote or STFU

2006-11-07T06:17:00.000-08:00

No more sleeping pills for me.

I have been bowing down to the pharmecutical gods here and there in the form of a sleeping pill every so often. It reminds me of that scene in Weeds where Celia's yuppy attorney husband looks over at her while they're getting ready for bed and says, "I need extra good sleep tonight. Should I take 2 Ambien?" She then proceeds to crush 2 more up and put into his water. When he passes out, she shaves his head for screwing his tennis pro.

I'm not screwing the tennis pro, but I'm starting to have incredibly vivid dreams that involve plane crashes and future children. Perhaps some bedtime tea will suffice.

Ross and I had our 2 year anniversary this weekend. 2 years! That's as long as some high school relationships (considering I had no relationships in high school, this is big). We went to Idaho Springs to have Beau Jo's. For those not familiar, they make these pizzas with thick, doughy crusts and super fresh ingredients. I was reminded how quickly ski season is approaching.... It was already packed with the diehards who will risk death by skiing in awful condtions just so they can say, "I went skiing this weekend". Did you know that only 10% of children who grow up in denver will EVER ski? It's 20% everywhere else in the state. That's how expensive it is. Something that accounts for the biggest chunk of our revenue (tourism) is a sport most children who are actually natives can't even enjoy. Yes, I know. Your heart bleeds with sympathy for these children who will never destined for ski snobbery.

Anyway, we then headed to the outlet stores at Colorado Mills (Erin, you have GOT to go there. It is now my favorite place... in the world). I got a pair of skinny Gap jeans for $12.50. If I play my cards right, I will be just fat enough to not be able to button them by Thanksgiving. All in all, it was a great day. Papa Bear, thank you SO MUCH for my ring and it has been a fabulous 2 years. Actually, thank you for making PMS chocolate craving runs to the store at 10 pm and tickling my back to help me fall asleep and putting up with my attitude when I quit smoking and just being the great man that you are.

SO.

I've decided that I in fact need some superficial motivation to stay at my desired weight. Yes, I will do my post Christmas juice fast and will keep pushing towards running goals. But at the same time, it was a hell of a lot easier when I was working towards going to the beach and running around in a two piece. Hopefully, the "skinny" jeans will serve the same purpose. Yes, I know that 140 is perfectly acceptable and yada yada yada, but I have to refer back to the extra cheese pizza theory. It just doesn't feel good.

Time to get back to running today. I've gotten into the habit of not working out on Mondays so now I'm down to only 4 days a week of working out (not including weekend activites). Not good. 4 days turns into 3 and so on and so forth and we are back to double digit pant sizes and a bloated face.

PS: It's Election Day. If you didn't vote, I do not want to hear your opinions on gay marriage or domestic partnerships or those damn illegals or how marijuna (said like "Mari-jew-wanna") is the curse of the devil you lazy bum, you.

By the way.

I'm against the gay marriage ban.

I'm for domestic partnerships.

I believe in fines for businesses that intentionally hire illegal immigrants (and no, that does not mean I think we should round 'em up and ship 'em off)

I believe that less than ounce of marijuana in your possession should not be a punishable offense.

I believe that the minnimum wage should be raised.

I believe that at least 65% of classroom expenditures should go towards classroom instruction.

Instant food??? Me?????

2006-10-31T05:11:00.000-08:00

It was the beginning of the end, so I thought.

Last year marked the one year anniversary of my loss. I had a great summer, but it left me absolutely exhausted. I couldn't focus. I'm still recovering academically. I put on 10 pounds. 10, ugly, stare-you-in-the-face, keep-you-up-at-night pounds.

It took me over six months to lose those goddamn pounds. Back in the day, 10 pounds would have felt like an extra carrot stick. Now, it feels like a large pizza, extra cheese. That's just how it goes.

But I guess the fact is, I DID lose them. I gained them, realized I messed up, and lost them. This, year, I'm just going to try to bypass the situation entirely. I know there will be Thanksgiving Dinners, and "Honey, I'm too cold to open the fridge, let's get BBQ". Christmas cookies will be made. But I will not go quietly. My attitude is better, I'm coming out of this funk that has been ruining my life, and I have renewed spirits as a "runner" (a term to be used loosely). I also think everyone should try to go to a warmer climate right before the cold hits- it really and truly does work wonders on the spirits.

I'm also doing better, raw wise. It's so hard to pull off during the winter, but I've found some things that help me from going overboard on the warm comfort foods that come into play this time of year. You see, something that not many people know about me is this: I like Ramen noodles. Maybe it's the noodles, the salt, the warmth, but it just hits the spot. But I never get to have them (One of the casualties from my compulsive label reading), or, hardly ever anyway.

But I have found something that can go with my salads or whatever that I can have when it gets reallllly cold in the rink and I just need something warm. It has like, half the calories and sodium and isn't as overwhelming. Instant rice noodles from Thai Kitchen (pictured above). It's not packed with nutrition, I know, but does exactly what I need it to. Perhaps this will lead to me creating some low cal low sodium vegan flavored broth concoction for raw people. And then I will make a fortune and will be able to afford that yacht I've had my eye on...

I hate 20th century classical music.

2006-10-27T05:39:00.000-07:00

I don't mean pop or rock n' roll or the very modern stuff. I mean when John Cage sits at a piano picking his nose and calls it music.

I suffered through such a performance last night. There is a whole generation of early 20th century composers who decided that making a song of off notes, giving it titles like, "A sharp where there should be a flat", and having lyrics of nothing but the title of the song would be an obvious choice for a new wave of music simply because it had never been done before. Suddenly, playing a series of wrong notes and slamming your forearms on the board was cutting edge and thrilling and ingenious. There is one problem.

It sounds like someone is actually playing the piano with their forearms. A 3 year old is capable of such "magic"- this pianist only did it in some ridiculous time signature so, alas, a great work of art appears.

Perhaps the great classical geniuses of periods past refrained from such tactics for the sake of their audience. It isn't a "musical" experience, but one that relies on showy displays and loud gestures. They were better than that. They had talent. They created these rules and forms of theory, learned them, and then bent them. And it worked for several hundred years. All of the sudden the rules are thrown out and all recognizable traits of music goes out with it. I'm not saying don't be expressive or compose from the heart, but don't come up with some random idea of sound which borders on just noise and call it a great work of art.

But of course, such is the beauty of art- individual interpretation. This is one of the most important elements of creative expression that should never be silenced and this rant is only a display of that freedom. Perhaps I do need to sit through a performance of a cocky blonde opera singer wearing viking horns and screaming a single note to remind me.

So I was always a little skeptical of the whole "eat more, weigh less" philosphy, as in, I've always been a little fearful of bumping up the calories to promote weightloss. I believe in the whole-foods idea that you should focus on an abundance of natural foods instead of restricting diet food. I would much rather make myself ill eating a whole red cabbage than eat a frozen dinner. But I think there is this little crash dieter deep down inside that gets the best of me. I love to eat and am in a habitual state of panic about overeating. Hell, that's the main reason I have the diet I do. I love complex carbs and get to eat a fair amount of them. But I'm starting to let go of my limits.

I'm giving it a shot and some remarkable things are happening. I feel more balanced. I'm not thinking about maintaining with every bite I take and it has really aleviated some stress. I feel this could work out really well since I do have the appetite and taste for whole and raw foods. It makes it easier to not stress over what I eat and I'm actually sitting a pound below my norm, so we'll see what happens. It would be an absolute shock to me to dip much lower than I am now, but to be at the comfortable weight I am now and have less worry would be a dream to me.

I wonder how unusual it is to fret over things as much as I do. I feel like I'm hanging on to the hope that I can be healthy and "normal" and I have to obssess about it. I know that perseverence and consistency is what will keep me healthy and I have acquired a wealth of knowledge through this process. I am different now and am content with never eating fast food and learning every thing I can about the things I eat, etc... This is my mindset and that in itself is not difficult, yet people think it is impossible. I exercise to maintain my genreal health and I feel good in an active state. But that is my own inward view. In the end I have realized that it is much easier to exist in my state now and put forth this effort rather than go about life miserable in my former skin- unhappy with who I was and in that vicious cycle of being unhappy and doing the very things that got me deeper in the hole.

Back and already out of shape.

2006-10-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

So Im sitting in the airport in Houston. I’m sporting the most beautiful suburn/tan. I’m wearing seashells. And flip slips. AND a tube top and I could care less. The lady at the check-in counter gave us our own row because she thought we were on our honeymoon. Business men are staring. My tanlines are telling one hell of a story.

I get off the plane in Denver and it’s SNOWING. Now I feel stupid. I feel like the deep-down Texan I’ve always tried to suppress.

The trip was amazing. I was actually born down there and it brought out a lot of memories I had forgotten about. There were a lot of kinks. It rained at some point every day. There was a red tide which resulted in a fish kill (BLECH) and our window was shot out as we were driving back to Houston. But even when I think about all that, it really made no difference. I had a truly incredible time.

And I only gained 3 pounds (and they’re already gone!). I took my own advice in my previous post and accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to eat like a saint and to not fret about it. And anyone who says they can’t exercise on the beach is full of shit. Between boogie boarding, football, romantic strolls and all that other stuff, I was plenty busy. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like the moment I got there the life got thrown right back into me. Perhaps it was the warm weather or the early morning teas with my dad. The only thing that did me in was the drinking. There is something about salty air and 90 degree weather that makes a Corona taste like fine champagne.

I’m easing my way back into the routine. I went for my first run yesterday and oh dear god was it hard. My legs ached and my throat burned. I suppose that’s what life back at high altitude will do. But I refuse to get into the rut that I got into last winter. I had no vain reason to keep in shape and I backslid my way to 144. I will find a way this winter to be active and stay out of that funk! I’m going to save up for some cold weather running gear I think.

Ok. So here is my bikini picture. It isn’t really me. Really. I don’t look like that. The light was incredible for taking pictures. I have other ones where you can see the result of my weight loss in my stomach (including one where I’m sitting down- eek). But the sun Gods and bikini gods and tan gods were dancing in perfect unison and it just came out.

But you know what? That IS me. I think it's about time I owned it- saggy tummy, killer legs, strong shoulders and all. I was so ashamed of "owning" myself. I was afraid of myself. I covered it up with big sweaters and big jewelry. I still have the posture of someone who doesn't think all that much of themselves and I think it's time to own that too.

It is me.

Deliverance, CO

2006-10-11T04:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, so reality is setting in. I *may* not be as good on vaca as I thought. I originally thought that staying in a condo on a beach with a full kitchen would help tremendously in keeping me in check, but my father has been putting words into my head like "Oyster Bar" or "Snoopy's" and "crabcakes".

And gumbo.
And crawfish quesadillas
And margaritas.

I had more faith in this man. A vegetarian who salivates worse than I do over a fresh catch? Thanks, Dad. I suppose we all have our weaknesses. Mine just happens to be shellfish. I may have to go on a little investigative tour to find out just how many calories are in crabcakes so I don't go completely overboard as is usually the case with such items (remoullaide is bad for you? Who the hell knew?) Eh. Screw it. I have given up on some things in my lifetime, one of which is dessert- I never order dessert anymore. And a plate full of fried batter dipped and friend food. Let's just promise to get in a couple of good beach runs, chase around the little brother and just have a really good fucking time.

The weekend away was exactly what I needed. Well, with the exception of the massage therapist who insisted on craning his neck to see under the sheet as I turned over. If you happen to be in Breckenridge, Colorado and wander into a certain spa with a color and herb in it's name.... stay away. The male massage therapist is a peeping tom and has the thickest, most horribly groomed eyebrows I've seen on a man.

The condo was spectacular. It was one of those big box resorts with 24 concierge, antler chandeliers, and a fully stocked fireplace. The log bunkbeds were a nice touch as well. The highlight was our driver, though. He was one of those east coast wanderers-turned- mountain man who came out to the Rockies looking for good beer, fresh powder and snow bunnies. The boy is living in a beer commercial. What makes this man memorable is the fact that my 43 year old friend (married with children) gets a couple of martinis in her and wants to take him home. When she realizes this won't happen (only after she had us all dying with her pick-up lines), she turned him over to her niece. Hilarity ensues after a piece of chocolate wrapped in our ROOM NUMBER made it into his hand.... and he actually wandered up. And I will tell you something else, that's the last time I chaperone a date in a hot tub.

But I hate mountain towns. It's a snobbish superiority complex. It must be what a New Yorker feels like when coming back after living in LA for a few years. You KNOW you belong, but you can't help feeling like a bumbling touron (tourist+moron). The locals (who are glorified transplants themselves) are ridiculously stuck up because they can be. You, you precious little tourist you, are a dime a dozen. Forgetful of the importance of hapless tourists on their livelihood (or constantly and painfully reminded of it), the locals will laugh off your presence as though you are panhandling in front of a million dollar chalet.

And I miss it all terribly. I reminded a childhood friend of mine just the other day of our own encounters with these tourists- sneaking them into our own parent's hot tub and laughing off the poor man who wandered into the pool after 12 exhausting hours in a car with an equally exhausting family wondering where in fact was the pool or convincing those boys that their father's white Escalade would be FINE to take up to the flat tops.

Perhaps this is penance then?

Anyway, here's my plan for today. I'm juicing mostly, but I might sneak in some protein. It's going well:

-green juice (fruit)
-pommegranite juice
-green salad and another juice
-green juice (veggie)
-egg white omelette
-lots of hibiscus tea and water

workout: 40 minute walk/run

2006-10-06T04:55:00.000-07:00

WHY AM I GAINING WEIGHT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Does smoking really affect your metabolism that much? My eating has been fine. Just fine! Well, with the exception of a package of Skittles (which wasn't even a package because I just ate the purple ones), I have been really good! I can't explain it and it drives me batty. It's completely horrible that I'm seriously considering smoking again, not because I actually crave a cigarette, but because the scale has shot up a few pounds.... There MUST be a special spot in Hell for me.
But I won't. Who wants to quit smoking more than once?

I've been cranking out these runs. A 45 minute run/walk in the morning and a 30 minute run in the evening. I just want to keep moving. And I really do notice the difference post-smoking. The anxiousness that weighed so heavy on me a week ago is waining. I know that vacation is imminent and this is the calm before the storm. Sometimes I think the fun in a vacation is the execution of it all- the planning and packing and traveling (I love airports- this comes from being shuttled in between parents and the glorious feeling of being 13 and ALONE in an airport. Nothing feels more grown-up). There's also the excitement of seeing family after a long time apart, the outfit coordination and the bikini wax. Well, perhaps not the waxing part (but I have a fabulous waxer if any Denverites would like her name).

So. Meals for today are as follows:

2 pieces of toast with light butter
green juice (fruit)
nonfat latte w/ splenda

salad
grape tomatoes

gala apple

green juice (veggie)
half a cup of eggwhites

Not bad. In fact, pretty damn good. BUT, it's friday. Fridays have a way of sneaking things like $2 cocktails and appettizers into your plan. Damn them.

2006-10-04T05:06:00.001-07:00

I haven't smoked!

And I briefly went up about 4 pounds (EEEEEK!), but it's wandering back to normal. I got a bit hooked on orange Creamsavers for a couple of weeks, but I'm SHOCKED at how smoothly it's going and how I'm not freaking out over the oral fixation thing. I thought that the hardest part would be in the car, but I was wrong. I will just be sitting there watching TV or something and then BAM! I want a cigarette. Go know. But it really isn't nearly as hard as I thought.

So yeah. Go me.

Ok. So I broke down a dozen times at work the first week (my boss now has a palpable fear in my presence) and I will never forgive Ross for rebuffing my pleas to go get cigarettes, but whatever.

So upon getting only 3.5 hours of sleep and I'm working a 10 hour shift (which is ironic because I normally don't and Ross told me last night that he hopes I have to work a long day today for keeping him up last night- you got your wish, dear), I didn't even consider bringing my workout clothes with me. I will hit the track after work in hopes of sucking up as much time outdoors as I can before it gets cold. I have one week until Padre, so I'm running out of time (and excuses).

My eating on Monday was downright ugly. I don't know what came over me. I ate just about everything in sight! I guess that explains why I haven't been very hungry since then. I don't understand. Every once in a while, about once a month, I just get soooo hungry. But am I really hungry? I'm starting to see myself for what I may really be- a sabbatoger. I am going to be on my first beach run since the new bod and part of me is really freaking out. I set this goal to be in excellent shape and I have noticed some differences, but the place that I was really hoping for- my tummy and midsection- doesn't seem to have benefited much from the extra work and it's SO FRUSTRATING. And that frustration is channeling into anxiety and it all makes me want to eat a burger and hide under the covers (I haven't done either, so it's a good sign).

It just plan sucks, though.

But don't get me wrong. I'm still aching to get down there, set up my lawn chair in the surf, crack a book and open a Corona.

2006-09-22T05:29:00.000-07:00

I quit smoking.

This is the one and only declaration I will make on the matter. I had cut back significantly the past few months, but finally made the last pack my last pack. I always envied those people that could only have one when they were drunk or got some wild hair up their ass, and maybe that will be me someday, but in the meantime, I'm not a smoker. I miss it a little. Well, actually, once a day I truly miss it and that's on my way to work. That Ted Nugent song "stranglehold" or whatever came on when I was on the freeway and the first thing I thought was how that IS a whip-out-a-smoke kind of song- especially when you are going 70 at 4 in the morning. And I don't even like Ted Nugent on account of the temper tantrum I witnessed last summer when he threw a chair at out little producer (not like all of us didn't want to throw a chair at her ourselves, or anything, but what a baby!).

Anyway, in honor of this declaration I'm debating about going raw at least 95% for the next 3 weeks. The benefits are 3-fold:
1) It would leave me in great shape for the beach
2) It would be kind of a mental/spiriutal cleanse in a physical sense (if that makes sense) to go along with the quitting smoking
3) I've been finding myself slipping into a heavily cooked diet (I was REALLY broke this week and had to rely on a big homemade stew for sustainance. I didn't have a FRESH vegetable until last night and felt like it was my first sip of water in a week. Never again.)

I probably won't make it to 3 weeks at all-raw, but with the intention there I should be able to make some progress.

The running has been GREAT. One week without a cigarette and I've noticed that my legs get tired long before I get winded. I find it odd that my physical limits can change like that. Go know.

Operation Tanline Has Commenced

2006-08-31T04:57:00.000-07:00

UGH!

I HATE strength training. And it's a total vanity issue. I have been comfortably between 132 and 134 all summer long. I can do cardio until my legs detach from my body and run laps by themselves.

Operation Tanline is in full swing. I have sucked it up and spent 1.5 hours at the gym 5-6 days a week. (3) 20 minute sessions of cardio with core and strength inbetween.

I feel.... fucking.fabulous.

The little problem I have with all of this is the fact that the moment I start strength training, I gain 3 pounds. 3 measely little pounds that I know has nothing to do with fat or calories, but water and muscle.

It drives me batty.

This is why I will always regret never measuring inches lost, only pounds. I will never really know exactly how much more space I have in the place where my batwings nearly lifted me into flight. I will never know how much is gone from the thighs that could have started a fire. I will reccommend to anyone trying to lose to start with measurements. I just may have to start now.

Now, if only I could sit down in a 2 piece without my stomach looking up and smiling at me. Unfortunately, it will require a visit to the surgeons office....

Someone write me a requiem.

2006-08-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Taps

So. With this final preseason Bronco game finishing up and Husker season so close I can smell the sweaty players, I have been officially deemed.... a football widow. I always thought that it was just the cutest little moniker given to those adorable, make-you-sick couples where the boy gets sucked into whatever game is on and the girl waits patiently beside him, holding the buffalo wings and fetching Coors.

Fuck that noise.

Look. I am a Colorado Buffalo. Do you know what that means to me? Absolutely nothing! I am from Colorado, I cheer for the Buffs. I go to school in the CU system, I cheer for the Buffs. I do not follow the going ons of training camp, nor do I have a clue as to who the starting quarterback is (Ross would say this merely proves that I am, in fact, a Buff). I don't bleed black and gold. I can sing the fight song, but that's only because that was the school song for my high school. I know that Gary Barnett is better somewhere else than here and Jeremy Bloom is hot.

But I have been dragged into this really bizarre universe where all the walls are painted Cornhusker Red. I thought it was really sweet when Ross and I started dating and it would be weeks in between dates because he was driving back to Lincoln for games (but God bless his little heart, he hasn't been back for one since).

Little did I know.

I had no idea that I would be sitting in the middle-of-nowhere Nebraska, surrounded by rabid husker fans, when the question would arise.... "Where do you go to school, Jen?"

"CU"

I'm pretty sure my picture is still on a voodoo doll and they are preparing Ross for excommunication from the Church of Crazy Fandom.

They find out where I'm from and, for some bizarre reason, they either scream at me or make gay jokes. But it's nice to know that I could run over their grandmothers and my defense would always be, "I can't help it. I'm a Buff".

I'm only trying to psych myself up for an impending trip to the red planet (and I don't mean Mars), where a game will be commencing during a wedding we are attending, which I'm learning is a true exercise in ego on the bride and groom's part.

And I'm wearing the most glorious black dress where the neckline falls to my bellybutton.

But that's ok, because I'm a Colorado Buffalo.

OMG. That dinner rocked.

2006-08-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Jet Airliner, Steve Miller Band.

I've been sucked back into the gym. And that's ok.

Really. It is. I don't know what it is about a machine that makes me feel like I've had a more worthwhile workout, but I feel more effective. And plus, it's going to be like a 8000 degrees today... Ross wants to try a 5k on the track to see what my time would be. I think he has dropped his basket. He is a great motivator, though.

So. I need a crystal ball. I really need to know how long I will be keeping this weight off. While I don't picture myself going back to the old way of living and this is maintainable, I spent my entire life never EVER seeing myself as NOT being overweight. There is a real conflict of interest here. Before, I was a thin girl in a big girl body. Now, I still feel like the thin girl in a thin girl body, but a little piece of me is waiting for the rope to run out.

I also had a weird experience this weekend. I was getting seriously burned out. I ate- literally- watever the hell I wanted. I had mashed potatos with roasted beef tenderloin followed by more than a bottle of wine (sooooo worth it, Erin- that was a balst!), capping off the night (or early morning), with pizza. I proceeded to wake up and go directly to Breuggars (well, I sent Ross, isn't that the same?) for an onion breakfast bagel. I just stopped worrying. I won't even get into dinner.

I know. The begginning of the end. But maybe not.

I never for one second thought that it would or could continue like this. It was going to end Sunday and it did. Just like that. Back on plan. I feel satisfied. Satiated. No desire remains (except for chocolate but it's THAT TIME). For me, one weekend of bagels and pizza does not an 80 pound gain make. It's when I start to look foward to next weekend or my next treat that we have a problem. And I'm not. I look back on that fabulous weekend and that night on the town and relish in the fact that I have hit that magical place where I can have a bagel every once in a while and enjoy the hell out of it... and that it doesn't lead to another one. I'm back down to normal (weight wise) and had an excellent start to the week (workout wise).

I am, as they say, moving on.

2006-08-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

Parents? Please tell me why you suck so much?

I love your kids. They make me smile every day. When they are here at my work, I go to great lengths to keep them safe while not overstepping my bounds.

I have iced "bumps" that didn't require ice, but a time out from an intense skate. I have sat with them for afternoons when you have forgotten to pick them up. I have butterflied foreheads and chins that have been split from end to end.

Sometimes, they drive me nuts. When they are not where they're supposed to be and instead playing dangerously close to an active zamboni, please note that I chase them off for their own good (and for my piece of mind). When they are hanging off of a wobbly alluminum railing, I ask them in my "nice" tone to not do that because I don't want them to get hurt. I would much rather get yelled at by you for doing my job than getting screamed at by you when I don't and someone gets hurt.

And when you, at 40 years old, throws a temper tantrum because I won't let you play hockey in jeans and a sweatshirt and then go on to berrate me because I asked your daughter to not hang off of said alluminum rail, what are you telling your child? That's it's ok to treat people like dogshit when you don't get your way? Well, you didn't end up getting your way, the police were called, you were removed, and you still acted like an infant..... in front of your children.

Nice.

And to you, parent, who let's your child backtalk and insult our staff and run wild, do NOT leave it up to me to discipline your brat. And don't offer me a stick to beat him with either... it's not going to happen.

For whatever reason, you have traded parenting with game consoles, or have hit the other extreme and leave him in the care of others in the form of 100 hours a week in activities.

2006-08-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Franck, Symphony in D Minor, Mvm't 2

I ran on a treadmill weathered..... in public.... at a snooty gym....

I lived! No injuries! No fits of violence over sorostitutes! I kept up my pace and focus and it felt really good. Running has been hard lately. I've been able to pull around 4 runs a week, mostly on the track or in the neighborhood and Im very aware of how tired my legs have seemed. It was nice to see an end to that hurdle yesterday. I want to quit my job more than anything and I know that if I just *quit*, things have a strange way of just working out.... but this damn all access gym membership. It's almost worth hanging on to one stupid shift/week. And I don't want Joe Sakic to miss me... I have also obtained the title, "Official Celebrity Liaison" at work (well, I gave myself that title, but who cares?).... we shall see, eh?

I've also been supplementing my morning with lentils to get in some protein and keep me full for a 10 hour shift.

It's looking up. It better stay that way. *****knock on wood*****

Are you a food snob?

2006-08-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

Because I am.

I think that Jr. bacon cheeseburger I had several weeks ago that disgusted me so much I cried and threw it across the room is a fine testament to that.

I didn't used to be this way. I am this way on my own acoord and by my own education. I know things. I know how different my life is now. I know how different I feel now. I know what's in that Big Mac you're eating. There are enough people sitting in the fast food line, feeding it to their kids, so WTF? Trust me, if I could find away to single handedly bring down the fast food places and the Hostess factory, I would be there, fire bomber at the ready. And it's not even just about the food. You know where I'm going with this.

The fact is, I know it's the fringe. But I know i'm right....

Wait for it.....

For me.

You see, i've been there. I've been enjoying a salad.... hell..... a burger and have felt the stares that echo "should she really be eating that?" Why the fuck would I outright scrutinize what you decide to put in your mouth? How fucking rude is that? Where do I get off?

Except you, Erin, you have put me on a mission, you little lost soul, you.

Life is about personal choice. Does your personal decision line up with what you believe? If it doesn't, time to re-evaluate. So far, I'm not doing too bad on that. And I've never said "hey. Put down that milkshake, fatass".

I know there are certain things I can do to affect change in an immediate sense by acting or speaking. Taking a drunk persons car keys and risking being a square by taking their keys is a fine example of this. I will always be that girl.

Besides those situations, it's just me and my example. And I have to be ok with that. Otherwise, I'd be really fucking pissed off all the time.

I can laugh about my self declaration of food snob and deal with the teasing about my "weird" foods and hell, even the fact that I've...... kept this weight off..... because I know what I'm doing is purely good. I have much faith in what I'm doing and it's complete effect on the rest of my life. And if someone else has that faith, why argue with them?

On a side note, Joe Sakic knows me by name and thinks I'm great.

Burnt cookie, anyone?

2006-08-11T13:48:00.000-07:00

Listening to Walk The Line, Phoenix, not Cash

I am an idiot of epic proportions today.

I had my first old lady driving mishap..... at the age of 24.

I was leaving the gas station in my old beast of a Montero. Since it is so big I have to stretch to turn around to back out of places. I guess I stretched too much, because my foot wavered to the gas pedal instead of the break.

I went flying over the curb and *almost* into traffic wondering why in the hell my breaks weren't working. I get out and inspect the damage. It's minimal. People stare. The emo kids at the bus stop pointed and laughed. Here I am, in my big girl car and my big girl sunglasses and it's a wonder I can dress myself in the mornings.

It's a burnt cookie kind of day.

Working out? Are you nuts? I don't even want to think about the damage I could incur.

2006-08-09T05:48:00.000-07:00

fSo I ended up at the track yeterday instead of the treadmill. I think the treadmill gave me a glorified confidence because when I hit that track I wanted to die... especially when the 300 lb guy with ANKLE weights on passed me...

BUT, nonetheless, I got my 30 minutes and did some weight training afterwards.

Take that, you evil gym with ugly carpet, bland walls and the sorostitutes that stand on the ellipticals and talk on their cell phones.

I have GOT to figure out my breakfast delimma. I have been switching stuff around for months and months trying to find a happy medium between feeling too full and being starving an hour after I eat. Egg whites were too much at 4 am. Now the green juice is filling enough at first, but an hour and half later I'm starving. Time to switch it up a bit.

How exciting am I?

2006-08-08T04:38:00.000-07:00

Listening to Swingtown, Steve Miller Band

Time for another switch-up this week.

I have taken 3 days off of running, my longest break since I began. I can feel myself getting into a workout rut, so it's time to NIP IT IN THE BUD! My morning runs are interrupted this week for the Colorado Firefighter and Police game (I'm NOT complaining!), so I may have to look at the inside of that gym afterall- a little sooner than expected as I was hoping to continue my exhile through the end of September.

The weekend eating is going much much better. It's strange how my weekend eating differs from weekdays. I think my body resents holding to any kind of routine and does exactly what it feels like, which is a good thing I think. I notice that I'm not eating terribly, but I'm eating regular meals 1-2 times a day. This would not work during the week, but if I'm not hungry and don't need the brain food, then I'm not going to stuff myself. Still maintaining, still keeping on...

I want my Central Air

2006-08-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sick! Not like, "a little under the weather, could use some more sleep sick", but the kind of sick that you get in elementary school where you throw up for hours one end and just want to die. I don't get sick like this. I haven't been sick like this since childhood! WTF! Ok. So maybe it's because I've been living in a house that normally has 3 children in it and the germs are just EVERYWHERE. Maybe it's because the only cleaning agent I can find is DISHSOAP (I want to douse this house with bleach and let nature run it's course, which in this case would be to die. See what illness does to this tree-hugger?). Or, it could be the swamp cooler. I haven't felt dry in days. Even the carpet feels damp. My wrists are damp. This whole week is damp. I could blame the dog and this odd infestation he seems to have, which I will gladly take him to the vet for, but I wasn't left a number where they could be reached.

Oh mom, where are you with the tray of that wonderful vegetable soup you whip up in 30 minutes and hot Dr. Pepper with lemon?

Maybe I never get sick because I turn into such a whining beast, no?

I wonder if I got on the treadmill I would pass out. I think I'm going to to go home and drink some broth and dry out a bit...

meh.

2006-08-01T07:20:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I'm giving myself a reprieve from early morning runs. I'm house/dogsitting, so there is oppurtunity to run with the dog or on their treadmill. I've never actually treadmill run before and was surprised at how easy it was after learning on cement and pavement. There is much more control and less pain, so I'm going to focus on my endurance and stamina. Also, it's time for some new running shoes. I'm in the same sneakers as I was 80 pounds ago. These shoes are DONE. They are stretched out, the arch is gone and the only thing that looks ok are the laces. Runner's Roost is having a huge sale, so maybe I can score some $40 shoes. We'll see.

This house I'm watching this week is full of more chips and crackers and dry goods than I know what to do with to I went to the grocery store to stock up on, you know, edible stuff. I have my moments where all I want is some chips and salsa and wheat thins, but it gets old really fast. I mean, I can't LIVE off of it. The New York Strips in the freezer downstairs, well, that may be the downfall.

And this dog. This dog might be the sorriest creature to walk the earth. God bless them for saving him, but he doesn't bring much to the table. First, he's ugly. Like, slap yo mama ugly. He has these weird bones that stick out of random places and a lazy eye. On a dog! And he's stupid. There is no fetch with this animal. He can't even "come". He's also one of those dogs that isn't content- ever. He whines to go out, 2 minutes later he wants back in. Then he wants back out. It proceeds like this allllllll day. I know we must love all of God's creatures, but there has to be a loophole somewhere....

loved and lost...

2006-07-31T08:09:00.000-07:00

Listening to on repeat today: Hundred, The Fray

You know that expression that goes something like, "It's supposed to end badly, otherwise it wouldn't end". I never thought that was true. Even though in this case it's true, I still think it's a bullshit statement and should be banished from my mind. I hate it that much. BULL. SHIT.

I have these two friends. They are, if you can put a name on them, soulmates. We navigate this planet just trying to get by and have a good time doing so, but we always meet up and form this perfect triangle where all the points come together, never falling short and never overlapping. I have known them longer than I've known anyone. We are all musicians, We were all meant for eachother. It's the kind of friendship you always thought would be there- one that can always be relied upon.

The girl is the free spirit's free spirit. She has never let herself be tied down to anything or anyone. She is one of the truest beauties. In high school, I could be robbing a bank and I knew that as long as I was with her, I would never get caught. Bad things just don't happen to her. She entered the local beauty pageant on a whim- and won. Little hippy. I'm pretty sure she had a joint tucked in the brassiere of her gown. She defines the word "charmed".

But it's catching up to her.

The boy is my musical soul mate. He is much like the girl in the sense that he lives the word "free". But he lives it in a different way. He was born to conquer every mountain in his sights and beyond- literally. He knows no physical bounds. He taught me to climb, navigate through the woods in the pitch black, and take a bong rip. He taught me to let go. For this, I will love him forever.

It's caught up to him several times now.

So the boy moved away to another mountain town in another state. I will miss him, but it's a good thing. His going away party was on Friday. Those Boulder boys that I love more than life itself, who I would trust with my first born, who have always taught me the lay of the land, were there. The boy was there and so was the girl. I have never felt so much love in any given place, until it got ugly.

You see, she likes boys. The boy recognizes this and accepts it, except when it comes to his boys. It's all quite childish and stupid. Well, the girl kissed the boy's friend last time and it was a couple of months until they cleared the air. But they did. Then, on friday night, the girl kissed (and more) another friend- in the boy's room- and that was it. I have never seen him act so enraged. He threw stuff. He got violent.

He hit her.

He hit a GIRL. He hit THE girl. I have never seen a boy hit a girl. And The Boy hit The Girl.

And then it was over. The shield I had been so fooled into thinking would protect us from evil always had dissipated at that very moment. Trust in others is a tricky thing, especially when it is naturally occurring, which to me is ever so rare.

The girl will not speak to the boy ever again (I don't blame her). The boy will not speak to the girl again. He has apologized. I have cried and yelled and have told him over and over and over again that you DON'T HIT GIRLS. EVER.

I wonder if this was always in the cards, if we were just wandering naively through life thinking that no matter what we did we could always meet in the middle. When I was 19 this wouldn't have mattered. Perhaps we have all been hurt by outsiders too much. Perhaps our own behavior caught up to us. Whatever the reason, it's a damn shame. A damn shame.

2006-07-21T06:30:00.000-07:00

Singin'- Everything is Everything, Lauryn Hill and Jolene, Ray Lamontagne

So I was looking at my food plan for today on 3FC... I did NOT plan well for work. I was so focused on just getting through my shift that I forgot that I'm offically PMS-ing and unusually hungry throughout the day. My rep didn't show up so I was here by myself fo a while and not sure I was going to get a run in. I felt like crap. Strike that, I felt like shit. Thank God my figure skating and hockey families are Godsends and someone made a coffee run for me. I am eternally grateful, Mr. M, even if you do go over board with the pick-up lines. These people are class though, to offer starbucks every half hour.

So, alas! she showed up and I managed 20 minutes and what a world of difference. I'm golden when I get home at 2, but what to do with the remaining 6.5 hours of my shift...

So I have discovered sunflower sprouts. While I love the basis of a raw diet, the raw diet people scare me. No one should talk about their poop that much. Or mucus. If there is a deepend, the raw foodist community is balancing on the edge of the cliff. Don't get me wrong, I know the benefits, but the poop thing. Yikes.

So back to the sprouts (that was quite a tangent, but sprouts are a popular raw food thing that I don't have much experience with... ANYWAY). I was wandering through Whole Foods and decided to throw a few on my salad. They are wonderful! Very succulent and flavorful and a fabulous compliment to spinach and baby greens. Hell, I could eat them plain. So I've discovered that once sunflower seeds are sprouted and "activated", the fats and protiens change to fatty and amino acids, but still retain some protien and are high in chlorophyll and vitamin rich. Also, they are apparently easy to grow so I might have to give it a shot.

running on fumes

2006-07-20T06:43:00.000-07:00

Song: Samba Pa Ti, Santana. If you've never listened to this song all the way through.....

So. I've hit a running plateau. I have gotten up to 35 minutes with 2 or 3 brief stretch breaks. I remember feeling briefly disappointed about that (kinda like a weight loss plateau), but then I realized, "hey. Rome wasn't built in day, so maybe rethink that marathon next week, no?" I experienced a 2 pound gain a couple days ago, but it's almost that TOM and it's gone now so I'm back to maintaining around 134, which is how much I weighed when I met Ross. I'm excited about this weekend, even though I have to work on saturday. I feel like we are getting a fresh start where I don't feel like I'm fighting food all weekend.

I'm starting to get addicted to Sims2. My mom never let me have a Nintendo (which I thank her profusely for in retrospect). A couple of years ago I was back home for a couple of days when she reminded me of this and handed me a bag witha smile on her face. Inside was a Gamecube that had mysteriously appeared in her house. No one has claimed it (not that I can imagine who would leave a Gamecube at my mom's house anyway). I don't know why I'm writing about the SIms2, but I'm starting to play it in my sleep, so perhaps it's time to ease up! It's an easy way to get through the hot summer afternooons when I'm not going outside anyway. ANYWAY....

So Joe Sakic's kid (captain for the Colorado Avalanche) is in one of our camps. He said hello to me this morning. It has only taken him 4 years to get into that habit. Who am I kdding? Guy has a heart of gold. So it is...

Screw the whales! Save the music teachers!

2006-07-18T06:44:00.000-07:00

So one of my favorite people called me yesterday and leaves a message that says, "I have some news, not necessarily good and I don't want to leave it on a voicemail". Well, crap.

Apparantly, one of my high school music teachers (there were only 2) went to the doctor to investigate some stomach issues and they found malignancies in her kidneys, intestines, colon, and ovaries. They then rushed her to Denver and she's in that 48 hour make or break period. This woman was FINE a week before!

Backtrack: My OTHER teacher, Mr. Pelz- my mentor, father figure, adversary.... Was ill with some mysterious illness all through my schooling. My sophomore year they finally diagnosed him with non-hodgkins lymphoma. He was in and out of remission for 8 years until he passed away in December (05).

You know that feeling when someone truly incredible dies and you are absolutely heartbroken because now the world is somehow "less"? I was fine at his funeral, but on the plane ride back I realized how much this world was going to miss him and I lost it. I didn't stop crying until Ross and I got to Whole Foods after he had picked me up. This may sound incredibly narcissistic, but I thought I would be crying for my loss- not the world's. That's how incredible he was.

So now it looks I am going to lose my other one. And that's one less music teacher to find those kids that are going to slip through the cracks. One less person to seek out those children whose only escape from feeling insignificant and stupid and fat or whatever is shining through music. It is so very hard to be a music teacher. Even though I've always known that my life would revolve around music, teaching music outside of a private studio was NEVER a consideration. In the case of Dean and Jeannie, they were paid nothing to run all over town teaching music to all 3 schools. Every fall brought the threat of the school board cutting the arts. Music teachers often rely on non traditional methods to teach (it IS art, isn't it?), so they were under a constant microscope from the parents.

Not for all the money in the world.

I didn't understand Mr. Pelz's true goal in teaching until his death. It never hit hit me. On the funeral prgram was his signature quote, "Education is my goal, music is my vehicle".

Whether I realized it or not, it wasn't about being the best musician I could be, but the best human being I could be.

So, parents, I PLEAD with you not to let your children's arts fall by the wayside. Please fight for them. It is a great diservice to their future if you choose not to care. You can't possibly know in advance if it's going to be YOUR child that falls through the cracks, who never found the outside inspiration that only a passion and a teacher can give. I beg of you.

And for anyone who has ever been inspired by one of those crazy art/music/photography/theater department kooks..... Tell them. It's not too late.

Ok. I will step off my soapbox now, but only if you promise to do as I say. Maybe I should shoot for a larger audience on this one, no?

I ran today. 5 days last week and I'm going to shoot for 5 this week. If it's only 4 I will still be satisfied. I'm kinda bummed, though. My stamina is progessing nicely, but I'm having this crippling pain in my right hip/butt. And only when I jog.

I've finally convinced Ross to cut some calories on the weekends. He is one of those subscribers to the "one free day a week" theory. I disagree. While I love pizza and all, I don't crave it once a week, but we always order it on Saturday. That's also when I eat out, so when Monday rolls around I feel like I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN. I would just like to keep up the pace, you know? We'll see how it goes.

So I did something completely out of character this weekend. I ate fast food.

We had left the club where we had been subjected to this louder than the voice of God techno followed by REALLY bad rap (I did some networking, so it wasn't a total loss). Afterwards we were hungry so we headed to Taco Bell. I opted for a Fiesta salad and was horrified at how NASTY it looked. So Ross took me to Wendy's. I got some fries and a junior chesseburger.

How do people eat this? The meat didn't taste real. It literally tasted like a brown piece of dirt soaked in salt. And the fries were so stale I felt I was chewing on tissue. Evn though I can't remember the last fast food I had, I made a vow to NEVER go to those places ever again. Unless it's Sonic and those are for the drinks anyway...

You know what? Fast food pisses me off. The quality is typically so piss-poor that I wonder what can these executives be thinking? It's atrocious how low their standards are. And we keep buying it! My dad is sending me his copy of Fast Food Nation. I'm ready.

Don't get me wrong, as much as I loooooove veggies and raw eating and juicing, I enjoy a good hunk of red meat once in a while. I just don't understand the allure of fast food. I should have taken a picture. It was just one sad looking burger.

The Juicer's Way

2006-07-14T06:44:00.000-07:00

In response to some questions I have gotten regarding juice cleanses:

The typical length of one of my juice fasts is between 2 and 7 days. The length of the actual "fast" is 3-4 days. I believe in "the harder they come, the harder they fall", so it's a good idea to ease into it and ease off of it. I have used a "cleansing system" (through GNC) once before, but it was of no use to me. It was basically a mulitvitamin and a fiber pill. I mix up the juices that I use, between homemade juices and Naked juices (www.nakedjuice.com), which are available at most grocery and health food stores. I use the Naked juices primarily for breakfast as I am up too early to be running the juicer (and Ross might take issue with that). My recent favorite is the "Green Machine". It's a green juice that contains 100 mg of spinach and broccoli, but is fruit based (apple, kiwi, banana). It tastes wonderful. The key ingredient for me is the wheatgrass extract, though. It's a FABULOUS detoxifier and has really saved me from being incredibly fatigued by the end of my shift. More on wheatgrass:

"Wheatgrass juice has been proven over many years to benefit people in numerous ways: cleansing the lymph system, building the blood, restoring balance in the body, removing toxic metals from the cells, nourishing the liver and kidneys and restoring vitality. One ounce of wheatgrass juice has the vitamin and mineral equivalent of 2.2 pounds of fresh vegetables. It contains most of the vitamins and minerals needed for human maintenance, including the elusive B12. Many of the benefits of wheatgrass juice stem from the fact that it is a living food, which is a complete protein with about 30 enzymes and is approximately 70% crude chlorophyll. To be effective wheatgrass juice has to be drunk immediately after juicing and, up until now, has not been easy to grow at home in the quantities required for healing, so wheatgrass has not achieved the popularity it deserves. "
-Shirley's Wellness Cafe

In my experience, fruit based juices are much easier to handle than vegetable juices, so I need to pay careful attention so that I don't overdo my sugar intake. Hot sauce has become a must-have for me. I have found an excellent (though somewhat low-maintenance) website that has some pretty decent green/vegetable juice recipes on it: http://www.biosupply.com/juicerecipes.htm

As far as fruit juices go, you might notice that a lot of recipes use apples as a base, even with oranges. Interesting.

My old standby vegetable juice:
pseudo V8:
-handful of baby carrots
-one whole tomato
-5 stalks of celery
-handful and half or so of parsley (yielding 2 tablespoons)
-hot sauce to taste

Fruit juices are different, depending on what I want to get out of the juice nutrient-wise, but one of my favorite things to do is to just throw a bunch of different fruits together to see what I get. It usually turns out pretty good. I don't really focus on how much I'm drinking, though when I'm paying attention I notice that my caloric intake isn't exceptionally low. It's a highly enriched liquid so it fills you up. I typically drink around 3 or 4 a day.

On to the benefits:
There are skeptics out there on the true benefits of juice cleansing. I look at it this way: Your body uses 25% of it's energy in the digesting of food alone. Once your body isn't focusing on digesting food from our culture's typically processed diet (you can process it down to low-fat, low-carbs, low-sugar, but it still has more additives and preservatives than I can certainly pronounce), it can finally start to work on what has been building up. Bizarre things occur when you do this. A lot of people experience "crisis healing", which is your bodies reaction to the release of toxins. This usually happens the second day and can last a couple of days. When Ross did his first juice cleanse, he was stricken with the most horrendous headache of his entire life. I may feel fatigued, but I usually get a little achy. Common reactions are: headaches, skin breakouts, a white tongue, body aches, stuffy ears and lots more. Weird stuff. I make sure to drink lots of water as it expedites the process.

I've noticed that this only lasts for a day or so and by the third day, I'm overwhelmed with well-being and energy. My mood clears up, I sleep better, I'm refreshed and energized. I ease off about the 4th fourth day. I have to be careful because I'm so acutely aware of my tastes and very few things sound good. Avocados, bananas, salads, and other things light in nature have worked really well for me. I definitely don't crave pizza.

I would like to stress that this very different from a water fast. For one thing, while I'm abstaining from solid food, I'm still filling myself with nutrients and calories. Some people do water fasts as the process goes much quicker, but I look at that as a much more spiritually guided experience.

Here are some informative sites have found on the subject of juice cleansing:
http://www.freedomyou.com/fasting_book/juice%20fasting.htm
http://altmedicine.about.com/od/detoxcleansing/a/juice_fasting.htm

I understand the skeptics on the issue. This is definitely something that's viewed in our culture as something on the fringe, but the benefits I have experienced are undeniable.

Regarding juicers: here is what I wrote in a 3FC thread: If you decide to invest in a juicer, best of luck. I was borrowing a friend's for a while that she got from Bed, Bath, and Beyond and it was loud and didn't juice properly. My bf and I ended up buying the Jack Lalanne power juicer and LOVE it. It's big enough so that i'm not chopping everything up and very quiet. I did not get the one off of the infomercial, but from Target (the infomercial one is $200, compared with the scaled-down one at Target, which is $100). If you aren't sure if you would even like the taste of it, borrow one. Chances are you know a ton of people with a juicer sitting in their cabinet that is never used.

Huffin and puffin...

2006-07-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

Listening to: Appalachain Spring, Aaron Copland

Had my best run yet today! I went for 40 minutes, plus 15 oustide when I got off of work. I just felt like some sunshine I guess. I had some hip trouble, though. I was surprised that it hadn't started acting up sooner so I'll take it as a good sign. Even though my jog is insanely slow, I can see my endurance and stamina increasing. I was a long holdout on this running thing. My memories of the Mile From Hell during school sends chills up my spine. I remember Erin Shae in "Tales From The Scale" talking about how in gym, all she can remember is being the fat kid behind the fat kid, the kid with the limp, and the asthmatic as well as the disgraced look her gym teacher would give her as everyone was sitting in the grass waiting for her to finish. I can remember that same situation, but with one of the popular girls- with the best of intentions- walking beside me and cheering me on. That was equally embarassing.

I guess that's why I eventually chickened out on doing the Shortcut this summer. Organized physical activity in a place where I always failed at that was a mountain to high to climb... but not anymore. I can see myself coming up on the asthmatic now...

So I found this recipe for a tomato sandwich. I had never heard of such a thing. A sandwich whose main ingredient is tomato? It sounded irresistable. And it was. Miracle whip, a little yellow mustard, one whole tomato, a little red onion and salt and pepper. Mmmmm....

2006-07-12T08:13:00.000-07:00

Did my jog. Feel MUCH better. I was told recently that working out in the morning is a more effective stress reliever than working out at night. Well, it is for me. The purge session was much needed as well. I was doing just fine until I realized that I hadn't purchased enough groceries for the week :( I think I got too focused on the chili I made on a rainy and cold Sunday afternoon and didn't look at the bigger picture. I may very well end up living off of vegetable juice (not that V8 crap- imposter!) and popcorn -I've recently started a love affair with popping my own popcorn. The sound of me eating it and the lingering popcorn smell pisses Ross off to no end, but I can't help it.

Do you ever go through food stages? I'm all about the enriched Barilla pasta and popcorn and this weird seltzer water that Safeway makes that tastes JUST like grape soda right now. I must be getting something I need, as I have hit a happy and stable weight.

I might have to hit the store on my way home, though I have no idea what to eat for the rest of the week, not that there's a whole lot left. I should use up the veggies...

Time to get it off my chest. Finally.

2006-07-12T05:11:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: Mist, John Butler Trio

So I wake up at 3:45 4 mornings a week. People think I'm nuts. I work with college students (RICH college students) and they make it seem like some Hurculean (is this even a word?) event. You know what? I'm over it. I've conquered my snooze button and moved on. We have one supervisor who will whine in the most melodramtic manner if she has to open her eyes before 10. And everytime I see her I have to hear about how miserable my life must be to have to be up that early. How you couldn't pay her enough. How "you must be SOOO tired, but YOU signed up for it!" I know that. And I'm not bitching. It's as though she has assigned me this punishment which just isn't there. It's as though she wants me to feel like garbage about my life. But that's ok. What happens when this college grad actually gets a real job that requires her to be somewhere by- GASP!- 8 a.m.?

But this has nothing to do with the snide comments she leaves me with as I leave work. My lack of respect and diappointment extends way deeper than that.

She is, simply put, a coward.

When a man collapsed because his heart basically exploded on the ice, she knew it was bad, yet she hid behind the desk, never having to look at the ugliness of it all. She never even set foot out there. She was my "superior" at the time and when they started banging on the glass for help, I looked at her to see what she was going to do (she should have gone out there, I should have called the medics). She just stood there. No gut check moment for her.

So I just went. He was dying by the time I reached him. One of our employees had dropped by to skate and was on the ice, just holding the guys head in his hands.

These big, tough, never-afraid-to-be-asshole hockey players had been reduced to screaming little girls. Picture a bunch of guys standing around screaming "Do something! Do something!" and flapping their hands and that's what they looked like. I asked if anyone knew CPR that could help. They shut up.

See, they don't prepare you in training for what the body actually does when it dies. It's really gross and I will spare the details. I was surprised at how disgusted I felt when I was finally pushed aside by the firefighters.

The off duty emplyee who was on the ice, but totally fear-stricken came off with me and said that he hoped that he never had to see anything like that again. I found out later he had just completed his EMT training.

There was so much bizarness to it all. I've resolved my fate that night. Hell, I never believed in fate until that night. I've made my peace with the fact that I failed. What if I hadn't? What if he got a pulse back, but was a vegetable for the rest of his life?

I learned that the "what ifs?" simply don't exist.

But I haven't resolved my disgust with her. Perhaps I'm jealous. She got off easy. Perhaps I think it should've been her, not me. When things like that happen, the true colors of people are revealed, and what I saw painted an ugly picture. I spoke with her the next day and she sounded completely normal as she headed off to tea with her mom. Go know. This year at CPR training, our instructor brought it up.

"Well thank God I was there. Who knows what could've happened.", she added. What. Someone could've walked off with the drawer? Well, thank God you were there to protect the $200. Someone had to do it, right?

I got up and went to the bathroom.

I don't know why this is my only unresolved issue. When you lose all respect for a person, just like that, it's hard to find it again. Whatever the reason, I need to get over it. I hope one of us finds another job soon.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond...

2006-07-11T16:48:00.000-07:00

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syd_Barrett
"Roger Keith "Syd" Barrett (January 6, 1946 – July 7, 2006) was an English singer, songwriter, guitarist and artist.
Best remembered as one of the founding members of the group Pink Floyd, Barrett was active as a rock musician for only a few years, before he went into seclusion. His creative legacy and quintessentially English vocal delivery have since proven remarkably influential."

WTF?

2006-07-11T12:23:00.000-07:00

This makes me so incredibly sad. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10958641/

Hope you are ok, K.

Meanwhile, in Iraq...

2006-07-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

SONG FOR TODAY: Helena, Nickel Creek

What a relief.

So since late alst fall, I have been in a 6-12 (12 pounds at Christmas) pound struggle. Sometimes, I would hover so close to 135 I could taste it, but it would never last. I certainly never felt 135. My highest was 144 after Christmas. I was so disappointed in myself, but relieved at the same time. I had caught it. My complacency fuse didn't seem all that short. So I got to work. I put myself on a 4 day juice fast. It gave me some relief in the sense that I didn't feel like I was carrying around Christmas dinner anymore. My energy went up. It brought back a sense of where I should be food-wise and not where I actually had been. It cleaned my soul as well as my viens. It's so funny. After a juice fast your taste buds are acutely aware of anything you may even think about putting in your mouth. A lot of foods just sound repulsive. When people ask me about my juices, I'm usually met with curiosity (I work on a college campus so it is probably met with a more open mind). My father, who is possibly the healthiest and most educated man in the area of food that I know, thinks it's great. My mother, whose health is a minefied of heart issues, HBP, clots, nerve damage, emphazema (sp?).... thinks it's unhealthy. As do others.

I don't understand. I take 3-4 days every few months to get back to "center", clean the system out and get a nutritional boost and I'm still getting most of my calories. What's the problem?
You can shove a big mac, a quarter pounder w/cheese and a supersized fry (don't forget the milshake) into your mouth, yet there must be something inherently wrong with what I'm doing?

Eh? Enlighten the the holdout member of the fast food nation, Obi Won.

And don't even get me started on the diary council. Since when do cows need a "council"?

So back to post Christmas. I was able to get down to 138 and stay there until late june. I got down to just uner 135, but would fluctuate up to just under 14o. Time to tweak the system a bit. I looked at my breakfast, my largest meal of the day by far. I had figured that since I was up at 3:45 and wokring (or working out) until 12, 1, 2, whatever I ate would need to last me. Well, that turned out to be way too much. I switched it out (egg whites, juice, sometimes some oatmeal) with a green juice and coffee (about 350 calories) and a raw midmorning snack and added working out in the big arena before 7 am. I also started adding jogging to the routine. Not much, but I'm still a baby runner. Hell, I'm not even a runner. I kept my weekend habits the same, but have cut a lot of the soda I treat myself to on Saturday. And I have found, at LAST, a stable weight. I have been at 134/135 for over 2 weeks now. My weight is the same friday, monday, wednesdy. And I've been eating an unusually high (for me, anyway) amount of wholewheat pasta.

And I feel damn good.

So I'm thinking the two main variables at work here is jogging/working out super early has boosted/stabilized my metabolism and I've cut some unneeded calories in the morning (and found some unaccounted ones as well). I think I'm starting to get a hold of this maintaining thing, no?

On the menu for today:

green juice
grande non fat latte
orange
1 egg + 1 egg white
salad- baby greens, red onion, carrots... oh, we'll see when I open the firdge...
leftover whole wheat enirched rotini with vegetable marinara. Might make some turkey meatballs, per Ross.

Hi, My name is Chicken Little.

2006-07-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

Awful day at work. One of those days where you do nothing right and you walk out the door on you way to a giant pity party. And it was going so well! My alarm hit 3:45 and I was UP. I was AWAKE. I did an hour of running/walking/stairs in the big arena and for once was motivated. I had a fabulous green juice for breakfast. I had a fabulous salad and steamed veggies waiting for me when I got home. And then this negative forcefield wrapped its ugly claws around my attitude and POOF.

It's been bugging me all afternoon. Today was my fresh start from a long, relaxing, BBQ-filled weekend. I was ready to get back on track. And it gets easier and easier to not stray too far off the reservation. BBQ's happen. Dinners out happen. Keep on, keeping on....

The funny thing? I've done everything I've set out to do today- working out, eating well, I've been on track. So why let it get to me? I don't know.

So my best friend has this picture of me. It's circa late 2003 and no one today can even believe it's me. My face is so squishy you can't see my eyes. My arms are stuck out so far to accommodate my girth that I'm surprised my shoulders didn't stretch. There is no mistake. I was obese.

I was the fat friend. And this is my fattest picture. And when I get it back this weekend, I'm going to post it. I'm not sure what to do with it beyond that, though. I threw out my old clothes down to my old undies. I don't require physical reminders. I was in denial about how truly big I got, but I certainly remember how awful I felt. And I get truly worried. What happens when I have children? Is it going to come piling back on + some? Is this my short stint in rehab before I'm tossed out on the street again?

I would love to go for a run, but it looks as though the great flood is coming upon us any moment. Ever since the start of summer, I have wanted no part in the gym. This is good. It's making me run, which is turning into something I'm..........enjoying........

Old people be smokin' some DOPE

2006-07-05T04:10:00.000-07:00

So I had my first Pearl Jam experience on Saturday.

This is a band that was my "first" band. It was the first band (other than New Kids On The Block, which no one counts anyway) that I attached myself to as "my own". No one exposed me to them but the Grand Junction rock station. Jeremy, Daughter, Oceans, Black, Alive.... All were on a constant spin on my tape player/radio.

Then Dave came along. PJ was still on heavy rotation, but I evolved (or regressed, depending on what side of the music fence you sit on) into a musician myself, and DMB walked me through the process.

The show itself was impressive. In fact, it reminded me of Dave Matthews shows with the big fan section (who looked like dave fans), the "let me share my neverending knowledge of how many times Bee Girl has been played on either side of the Mississippi" fan talk, and, of COURSE, the drunk soccer moms. Can't forget them. The pure loudness at which they shout out requests makes it difficult to ignore them. I felt right at home. I also rekindled my romance with PJ after the years of teen angst that they saw me through. They played several radio songs and I can see how that may have disappointed the regulars, but for a first timer like me, I didn't mind. And we were in the fifth row. And Eddie Vedder is still hot. Way hot.

Also worth mentioning is the Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers Act that followed. I don't seem to remember a time in my childhood where TP wasn't on a mixed tape somewhere in my mom's car. Hell, "Learning To Fly" was my class song (the true meaning didn't escape the graduates, but the parents thought it was precious that we chose a "oldie" artists).

Even though the show was good, Tom was able to remain on 2 feet (for most of it, at least), and his band is an amazing collection of music that he has more or less been able to hang on to for the better part of 30 years, it all seemed to fall apart for me somehwere after Running Down A Dream. This is the risk you take going to shows. Especially big ticket ones like this.

1. Tom was HIGH AS A KITE. Had to rest on the piano at times. He's losing his touch. Normally, I'm all for drugs and music, but it just made him look like some burned out rock star. No Tom, walk towards the light.

2. The soccer moms. The drunk soccer moms. It's funny how the older you get, the less you can hold your liquor and the less attractive you look with a couple of beers in you. I understand that your busy lives only facilitate one outing a year and the only token that remains of your younger, wilder days is the red mouth tattoo (a-la Rolling Stones) fading on your left ass cheek, but certain behaviors aren't acceptable inside a concert venue. They've never been acceptable.
A. Screaming at a concert is fine. It's even expected (especially from you). Shouting out your undying love for the artist doesn't bother me. The "WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO" drone doesn't bother me either. The song requests do. Shouting "Top Of The World" at the Top of Your Lungs in between EVERY SONG doesn't work. It never has. Do you honestly think Tom Petty/Mick Jagger/Sting/ whoever you listen to will drop the setlist him and his band spent hours fighting over (drawing blood at times) because some drunk lady in the crowd is screaming like a banshee? If he plays it, he plays it because it was on the setlist. If he doesn't, it's obviously because God hates you.

PLAY SOME FREEEEEEEEBIRD!

3. Tom was LIP SYNCHING. Look, I understand that that's just the way it is. 30 years of performing can make the chorus of "Free Fallin" a little arduous, but I can't help but be little bummed when you pay $100 for a concert ticket and Tom Petty can barely move his mouth.

But I love concerts. LOVE them. When I ended my classical training and stopped gigging regularly, I worried that every musical experience would be a painful reminder of the life on the fringe I had always imagined but gave up. But the opposite has happened. I love music just as I always had. But the itch is still there, not to be the show, but to run the show. When I go to concerts I think and think and think about everything. Ross noticed it too. About the entry habits of the band. About the security guards and whether or not they are doing their jobs. About that fabulous smell of cannabis that engulfs the venue the second the lights go down. About the lack of sobriety of the artist and how much they can take. Perhaps that's what worked with Clear Channel, that despite all the ridiculousness of corporate media, it exposed me to a branch of the business where I could carve out a home. I have since decided to submit my resume to production companies and promoters, starting with Bonaroo's. I mean, who doesn't need a bitch? I'm definitely qualified.

Welcome to my blog

2006-06-30T05:55:00.000-07:00

Enjoy your stay.

If you find that you are mentioned here in an unflattering, unappealing, or otherwise negative manner....too bad. I finally have a place to whine and complain about you and being the passive aggressive-but-posing-as-happy-go-lucky-not-a-care-in-the-world kinda girl, this is the perfect outlet. I can rant, rave, whine, express, create, and boast about you.

Boy, you sure do get a lot of attention.

Of course, other things will be mentioned, one of which is my weight. It is an issue I have run from my entire life and it took losing 80 pounds to finally be able to talk about it. And I have a lot to say. A. Lot. To. Say.

And then there's Ross. My Knight in Shining Armour. Sometimes he smells a little funny, but he's all mine. And he has an ass like two scoops of vanilla ice cream. He is my protector, my supporter, the keeper of my heart and my greatest source of laughter. He's my very favorite.

I was led here by various 3FC ladies. I was taking a look at Stephanie's (LockItUp) and was appealled at the idea of being able to use the word "fuck" so liberally without the internet nazi's banging down my door. I take great pleasure in being able to swear like a sailor. I work with children so I obviously can't drop f-bombs whenever I want, but they do have their time and place. And one of those places is here. But don't even THINK about correcting my grammar. I mean, who does that? If it's you, you might want to turn away now. My placement of "buts" and "ands" at the beginning of sentences and my complete overuse of commas may just be enough for you to fling yourself off the top of a tall building. I have already been responsible for one death this lifetime (more and that later).

Of course, no one could read this blog and I'm typing into thin air. But I love an audience, so let's pretend, eh?